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Thursday, November 04, 2004
THE SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 11-04-04
Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea… Boy, it’s been way too long since I did a real update. Sorry, been insanely busy and suffering from computer problems. No matter because I am back so let’s go to press.
Those that have been anticipating the prospects of a live action TRANSFORMERS movie, well, how do I break this news to you? It's time to lower those expectations. Real low. We're talking Tri-Star GODZILLA low. Why? Because producer Stephen Spielberg has hired screenwriter John Rogers to pen the film. You may be familiar with Mr. Rogers work if you've seen two other recent films he wrote - THE CORE and CATWOMAN. Variety reports that producer Stephen Spielberg himself hired Rogers to write the script. Let the morning begin. Oh, Rogers has also been hired by New Line to write the possibly Jackie Chan-less RUSH HOUR 3 and produce a film version of the video game FATAL FRAME, which somehow did not fall into the hands of Dr. Uwe Boll.
Not to be outdone, John "Next Stop: Cinematic Hell" Woo has signed on to direct a big budget, big screen version of MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. Rumors circulating on the net say that Woo wants Nic Cage to play Skeletor, a move that would prove that both of these men have completely lost their minds. Also, some hunky blonde guy that appeared on Sex & The City is reportedly being sought for the role of He-Man. On the plus side, I find it hard to believe that this movie could be any worse than the Dolph Lundgren/Frank Langella movie version. On the negative side, I can't help but to think it won't be that much better either. This movie, assuming it ever actually gets made seeing as how it has been announced and cancelled on more than one occassion already, is doomed. And I say this as a guy whose favorite childhood toyline was Masters of the Universe.
Are you ready for the third ice age? Moviehole spoke to a studio insider over at Fox who says that a sequel to THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW is very likely. No word on whether Roland Emmerich will be involved with the potential or for that matter what the plotline could possibly be. Maybe this time the ozone layer can completely disappear causing the Earth to begin incinerating and the survivors have to cope with not only a potential fiery apocalypse but also being chased by CGI wolves on fire. I say they should call it THE WEEK AFTER NEXT only because THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW was just too obvious a joke.
I don't know what drugs megaproducer Joel Silver takes but damn, they must be some powerful stuff. I say this with much certainty because Silver's production company has officially greenlit a third DUNGEONS & DRAGONS film. No word yet on what it will be about or who it will star but that's really besides the point. Almost as frightening, the first sequel/prequel that is apparently entitled DUNGEONS & DRAGONS 2: THE ELEMENTAL MIGHT. You have got to be kidding me! That subtitle has the potential to enter "The Quickening" and "Electic Boogaloo" territory! Even more amazing, Variety reports that Warner Brothers will give it a theatrical release next year.
If you've ever seen the great documentary THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE then you already know that there was a period of time in the 1970's when Paramount was the top movie studio in Hollywood, making movies that were not only box office blockbusters but also highly regarded critically. Now they're the studio that specializes in remaking movies that don't need to be remade and big screen versions of television shows like like a hard-hitting version of THE A-TEAM. Simply put, they seem to have about 2 or 3 original ideas a year and the rest is stuff they've either recycled or regurgitated. This past week Paramount continued on that path by announcing they were going to remake THE BLOB, which was already remade back in 1988. What direction they plan to go with this version of THE BLOB is unknown at this time, but let's face it, there is only so much one can do with this premise to begin with and it's already been done decently twice. We'll just forget about BEWARE! THE BLOB, okay? Only thing one can pretty much be certain of is that this version of THE BLOB will most likely see an all-CGI blob, which kind of takes away from what made the monster so iconic to begin with. It's ooze. It's gooey. Who wants to see CGI slime attacking people? I know I don't.
Here's a prequel that nobody asked for and is guaranteed to fail miserably - CARLITO'S WAY: THE BEGINNING. First of all, the original movie was only okay to begin with. Secondly, anytime someone makes a sequel/prequel and has to use the generic sub-title "The Beginning" in the title then you already know the movie is going to be completely devoid of worthwhile ideas. The movie will follow Carlito's life of crime from the 1940's until the 1970's. Another reason you know it's going to suck is because neither Al Pacino nor Sean Penn will have anything to do with it. The prequel stars LADDER 49's Jay Hernandez as the younger version of the title character originally portrayed by Pacino. Additional suckage will be provided by Sean "Puff Daddy or is it P. Diddy" Combs has been hired to co-star in the film. No word on what role he will play but I guess he has to do something now that his "Vote or Die" campaign has come to an end.
As previously reported, the CBS primetime soap about the shenanigans of filthy rich power hungry Texans, yes, I speak of DALLAS, is coming to the big screen. Word has previously circulated that John Travolta was being sought for the role of JR Euwing, but nothing new has come of it. However, the Hollywood Reporter has confiremed that the film does have a director. His name is Robert Luketic and his previous films include LEGALLY BLONDE and WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON. Also, it will be written by the man that wrote the script for STEEL MAGNOLIAS. I'm just going to stop now and back away slowly. I suggest you do the same.
Also announced, a big screen version of the sitcom GOOD TIMES, which was a popular comedy drama about a low income family struggling to make it in a Chicago housing project in the 1970’s. While the show is considered something of a TV classic, albeit a minor one, it was very much a product of its time. It was also the show that gave us Jimmy Walker and his immortal catchphrase “Dy-no-mite!”. The studio involved in this most unwarranted endeavor shall remain nameless. In fact, let’s just move on and hope someone working at that nameless studio realizes just how wrong headed this idea is.
Another TV series coming soon to multiple screens at a multiplex near you will be MIAMI VICE. Universal is keen on adapting the stylish cop show that was originally pitched to NBC as "MTV cops". However, this one might actually have a chance of not sucking, at least not sucking as hard as most feature film TV show adaptations. The reason being that the show's original creator will be helming the movie version and that guy just happens to be Michael Mann. Variety reports that the studio is looking to cast Colin Farrell as Detective Sonny Crockett and Jamie Foxx as Detective Ricardo Tubbs. In other news, Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas are available for mall openings and car show appearances.
Chuck Norris is back doing what he does best - whooping ass and making cheap movies. Who cares if the guy is about 60 years old? He's Chuck Norris, dammit! And now the ageless asskicker is set to star in THE CUTTER, about a detective who must save the life of an old diamond cutter. I assume the plot is a bit more complex than that. At least, I hope it’s more complex than that. Joining the former Walker: Texas Ranger will be Daniel Barnhardt, star of such great films as BLOODSPORT 2 and FUTURE WAR. Adding to the awfu…awesomness is the mere fact that THE CUTTER is being produced by none other than Nu Image, the company that has given us most of the made-for-the Sci-Fi Channel productions not produced by UFO Films. Believe it or not, Nu Image is actually stepping up in the world adding films like EDISON, starring big name stars like Kevin Spacey, Morgan Freeman, and Justin Timberlake to their filmography right alongside such greats as SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON and OCTOPUS 2: RIVER OF FEAR. Who knows? Maybe THE CUTTER will actually get a theatrical release? Yeah, right. Also in the works from Nu Image is END, a thriller following the assassination of the U.S. president, after which a Secret Service agent and a female news reporter team up to investigate a conspiracy behind the shooting. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Cuba Gooding Jr., Burt Reynolds, Angie Harmon and James Woods have signed on to star. The fact that James Woods is involved gives it some hope. Still, it sounds to me like Nu Image honcho Avi Lerner is looking to turn himself into a one man Golan-Globus.
Going back to the Sci-Fi Channel, this weekend marks the premiere of CENTIPEDE!, which is thankfully not Uwe Boll’s feature film adaptation of the classic video game. No, this CENTIPEDE! is about a group of young thrillseekers that go spelunking in the Shankali Caverns in India only to get trapped in a cave-in. Making matters worse, they soon find themselves under attack by large, 100-legged, killer centipedes. While rescuers attempt to free them, they have to fight to stay alive against the insect onslaught culminating in a final showdown with enormous “King Centipede”. The film debuts on Saturday night at 9PM EST and repeats again at 1AM EST. On the plus side, this one wasn’t produced specifically for the Sci-Fi Channel, which means there’s a chance that it might actually prove to be entertaining after all, like last month’s FRANKENFISH.
If you’re a fan of ALF or a glutton for punishment – some would argue those two things are one in the same – then you’ll want to tune into ALF’s Hit Talk Show on TV Land Friday night at 9PM EST. Yes, it’s a half-hour talk show hosted by the cat-eating alien puppet from Melmac. His co-host is the former Star Search host and Johnny Carson sidekick, Ed McMahon. The show was given sort of a test airing a few months back and drew huge ratings despite being one of the most painfully unfunny half hours you’ll ever see. If the show goes anything like that pilot then expect ALF to do more jokes that bomb than Jimmy Kimmel, expect Ed McMahon to just sit there saying and doing virtually nothing the entire time, and expect a lot of awkward moments as the guests realize their interaction with this unfunny puppet is going badly.
Finally today, a couple of reviews of mine you may have missed out on and a new one that is long overdue. For Dread Central, I recently reviewed the extremely mediocre anime movie LADY DEATH: THE MOTION PICTURE, which can be read here, and the infinately worse killer demon baby in the desert movie 666: THE DEMON CHILD, which can be read here. Most importantly, the first new Foyeurism since July is finally online. You’ll get a good idea why I haven’t been nearly as prolific in my writings as I have in a past before getting to read all about the infinite lameness that is STEEL JUSTICE, a made-for-NBC movie pilot for a potential series about a futuristic cop, a time traveler, and a 40-foot flame-snorting, car-crunching robot dinosaur that fight crime. The new Foyeurism entitled “Robosaurus Cop” can be found by clicking here. Enjoy!
- The Foywonder
posted by Scott 4:59 AM | Comments
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