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Saturday, April 03, 2004
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 4-04-04
Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea...let's go to press!
Have you seen the trailer for SOUL PLANE? My condolences. Well get ready for more where that came from! SOUL PLANE writer Chuck Wilson has a new comedy in the works that he will also direct called MEET THE MO’FOCKERS, clearly a take on the title of the upcoming MEET THE PARENTS sequel. Get ready for this plot. “A high-society African-American man falls in love with a beautiful woman whom he believes possesses a social pedigree similar to his own. As he prepares to ask for her hand in marriage, he discovers his would-be in-laws are straight from the 'hood -- and that he had a one-night stand with the woman's mother." Well, I already know what’s got the number one slot on my list of The Top 10 Movies I Refused To See In 2005. Ever find it odd how a movie geared towards black audiences can get away with demeaning stereotypes but if a white person made a joke along those same lines they’d be called a racist? Sorry, this is turning into the O’Foy Factor all of a sudden.
Unneccesary remake time! Warner Brothers will remake the 1981 action thriller SHARKY’S MACHINE. The original was about a vice cop who assembles a team to go after a group of brutal bad guys and gets involved with a gorgeous hooker along the way. The movie also has historical signifigence for being one of Burt Reynolds few decent movies and now even that may be taken away from him. Poor guy. Even worse, Mediashark reports that Harold Ramis is looking to remake ANIMAL HOUSE, which he wrote the screenplay for, as “his way of introducing it and comedies back to the audience of today”. So Mr. Ramis feels the need to update the movie for this generation? Does the man not realize that ANIMAL HOUSE is considered a timeless classic? We’ve all just finally gotten around to forgiving him for making CADDYSHACK 2 and now he has to go and start talking about this? Oh, there’s also talk of THE BLOB getting remade yet again as well as THE FLY, because some screenwriter got the studio interested to remake the movie again based around the dopey premise of actually making The Fly fly. Seriously. Yeah, that’s what was wrong about the original and the Cronenberg masterpiece, the damn thing never got airborne. Ugh.
But wait, there’s one more remake being whispered about. CHUD reports of a rumor floating around that a remake of the Charles Bronson classic DEATHWISH will happen if THE PUNISHER proves to be a big hit. First of all, will the remake it as a moronic action buddy comedy ala WALKING TALL? Secondly, do they not realize that the basic premise of DEATHWISH has already been copied by countless movies to the point that there’s really nothing novel about the basic premise anymore. And third, Charles Bronson is DEATHWISH. It just wouldn’t be the same without him. They were wise to wait until he passed away to start talking about doing such a foolish thing because otherwise he’d have picked up his .45 and fired some sense into them.
SNAKES ON A PLANE! Believe it or not, that is the title of Ronny “FREDDY VS. JASON” Yu’s next movie. Can you guess what the movie is about? Yep, snakes on a plane. And no, it isn’t a spoof as far as I know. According to Creature Corner, the film is a cross between a nature run amok movie and an Irwin Allen disaster movie as 500 poisonous snakes get loose on a flight from Honolulu to Los Angeles, first killing the pilot and then leaving the rest of the passengers and crew on autopilot over the Pacific in a plane full of venomous serpents. The film was originally going to be made by MTV Films and Paramount but now it’s over at New Line with Yu set to pilot the flick.
POWDERPUFF GIRLS, that’s the title of a new comedy Disney will produce. The plot revolves around an NFL coach who after getting fired ends up moving back to his small town in Texas where he coaches his tomboy daughter's all-girl football team in an all-boy league. Why do I have the feeling this going to be one of those really, really preachy family films?
Speaking of potentially crappy kiddie flicks, Punk’d tyke Ryan Pinkston is the latest prankster from that show to somehow bamboozle Hollywood into thinking that pulling off practical jokes equals movie stardom. Pinkston will star in SLAY THE BULLY and considering the hypersensitive times we live in what you wanna bet that title gets changed before the movie gets released? Pinkston plays an eighth-grader who moves to a new town and is immediately mistake for having beaten the school bully to a pulp leading to a backyard wrestling rematch. And then there’s the gratuitous scene where Eliza Dushku takes him to the mall for a seductive fashion show. Oh wait, that was THE NEW GUY. I thought this plot seemed a bit familiar. Eh, close enough.
Speaking of MTV inspired crap, is anyone familiar with a show on the channel called Pimp My Ride? From what I understand the show is about vehicle makeovers and is hosted by rapper Xzibit. I haven’t seen the show but apparently Paramount thinks it has big screen potential as they are developing a feature set in the world of customized cars that is inspired by the series and will also be called PIMP MY RIDE. I guess we should soon look forward to MONSTER HOUSE: THE MOTION PICTURE and ANTIQUE ROADSHOW: THE MOVIE in the near future too?
Apparently Ja Rule’s Oscar caliber performance in HALF PAST DEAD has convinced Hollywood to continue his acting career by casting him as (Big Shock!) a small time thug named Smiley in the remake of ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13. Judging by his HALF PAST DEAD performance, perhaps they should call him Sneery instead.
Another singer crosses over to the big screen as Pink has been cast as Janis Joplin in an upcoming biopic of the singer to be directed by Penelope “Yeah, I made THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION movies back in the 80’s but I also made THE BEVELY HILLBILLIES and THE LITTLE RASCALS in the 90’s!” Spheeris. I think they’re really going to have to put in some overtime in the make-up department to make Pink look like Janis Joplin and there’s still the question of whether or not she can even act. We know she can sing and reportedly all of the Janis Joplin songs on the soundtrack will be cover versions done by Pink. The movie will begin shooting this summer thus trumping another Janis Joplin biopic set to star the equally miscast Renee Zellweger.
Willem Dafoe will play villain to hero Ice Cube in the Vin Diesel-less XXX: STATE OF THE UNION. Dafoe will play George Deckert, a five-star General, Secretary of Defense, and all around bad guy. Ice Cube stars as Darius Stone, a new XXX agent embroiled in thwarting a political power struggle in the nation's capital. Samuel L. Jackson returns as National Security Agency agent Augustus Gibbons. Vin Diesel has better things to do. Apparently in Vin Diesel’s mind making FAST & THE FURIOUS 3 is a better thing.
At a fan convention in Boston, Counselor Troi herself Marina Sirtis told the crowd there won’t be anymore Star Trek movies based on the Next Generation cast. “It's over. There's not going to be another one," says Sirtis. Well, no shit! I think the fiasco that was that last film combined with Patrick Stewart’s repeated statements about never making another pretty much made this fact obvious for some time now.
Is another wrestler making his way back to the big screen? Former WCW/WWE wrestler Diamond Dallas Page, you may remember him from his star making performance in READY TO RUMBLE, told FM Talk Radio Circuit this past week that he will have a role in THE DEVIL’S REJECTS, Rob Zombie’s sequel to HOUSE OF 1,000 CORPSES. It seems he and Zombie are in fact real life yoga partners. No, seriously. Can you imagine those two in a yoga class?
STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION will be released on video/DVD on June 1st. If you’re in Japan or South Korea then you’ll actually get to see it on the big screen. Why? I don’t know.
Finally today, for April Fool’s Day I did a Creature Corner review of that Chuck Norris vs. Satan masterpiece (of crap!) we all know as HELLBOUND. Check it out here.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 11:16 PM | Comments
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
ROGER CORMAN'S DINOCROC ONLINE!!!
"Something is growing in the murky waters of Grants Lake. A genetic
engineer at the neighboring Gereco Corporation has conducted a series of
experiments on growing giant pre-historic crocodiles. But one of the
experiments has gotten out of control. The only survivor from the age of
dinosaurs erupts from the depths of Grants Lake ravenous for prey. The
nightmare comes to life as DINOCROC terrorizes the residents of the once peaceful community. Not even the best of the best can stop this feeding
frenzy! The film stars Costas Mandylor, Bruce Weitz, Charles Napier, and Jane
Longenecker; and was directed by Kevin O'Neill"
Roger Corman has a new beast he's preparing to unleash and he calls it DINOCROC! The prehistoric crocodile movie, which I've previously discussed here, won't be available on DVD until August, but you'll get to see it a bit sooner when it premieres on the Sci-Fi Channel on April 24th. This may actually be one Sci-Fi Channel Saturday night premiere moving worth tuning into. It seems Corman's company is so high on the movie they're really looking to hype it ahead of time. Creature Corner has the official teaser trailer online right now, as well as the kick ass poster, and it definately looks like this could be some great tasting cheese. Thanks to the Creature Corner guys, I'll be finding out even sooner as Corman's people are sending me an advance screener DVD to see if it meets The Foywonder's standards. For the rest of you, check out the poster art and trailer by clicking here.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 7:17 AM | Comments
Monday, March 29, 2004
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 3-29-04
Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea, lots of news and links today so let's go to press ASAP!
Ain't It Cool News has links to two bootleg trailers (Yes, things have actually reached the point that even trailers are being bootlegged!) you may want to check out. One is the new trailer for SPIDER-MAN 2 and looks pretty darn good despite the trailer's iffy quality. The other one may make you claw your own eyes out because it is a rough-cut of the first CATWOMAN trailer. This movie has been pegged for month's as 2004's potential uberbomb and after seeing that trailer I'm absolutely convinced this thing is going to become a bad movie classic along the lines of SHOWGIRLS and BATTLEFIELD EARTH. See them both for yourself, assuming the studios haven't stepped in and had them taken down already, by clicking here.
If this next movie actually gets a theatrical release I'll eat my shoes! According to the Hollywood Reporter, Burt "Remember my big comeback that lasted about 2 minutes?" Reynolds and Rachel "swimsuit model turned Rod Stewart trophy wife turned Stacy's Mom" Hunter will star in a new comedy called CLOUD NINE. The film is about a has-been coach who launches a women's volleyball team comprised of strippers. Seriously, this is the plot. Someone must have heard my idea for making a movie out of the video game DEAD OR ALIVE: BEACH VOLLEYBALL and decided to go for it. Paul Rodriguez and D.L. Hughley have also been cast in the movie as Reynold's financial backer and limo driving surrogate dad, respectively. The most amazing thing is that the film was co-written by Al Ruddy, who was one of the producers of THE GODFATHER. Man, how the mighty have fallen. Filming begin in Malibu this April. I'll be shocked if it doesn't go direct to video.
Do we really need more car movies? Fox Searchlight Pictures have tapped NATION LAMPOON'S VAN WILDER director Walt Becker to direct CRASH AND BURN, a comedy centered around an interstate road race in which college students drive old muscle cars. Oh joy! Someone is adapting CANNONBALL RUN for the gross out teen sex comedy crowd.
INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS will be remade yet again, so says Variety. Apparently Warner Brothers is looking to remake the classic movie that they already remade back in '93 under the shortened title of BODY SNATCHERS. This will mark the 4th remake of the sci-fi classic. If Hollywood must insist on constantly remaking movies couldn't they at least bother to remake something that hasn't already been remade more than once? THE AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN, that one hasn't been remade to death. What about SUPERFUZZ? Why not remake it?
Here are two wacky rumors for you to take with a grain of salt. An allegedly inside source tells Ain't It Cool News that the long rumored title of the next STAR WARS prequel won't be the widely rumored RISE OF THE EMPIRE. According to the scooper, George Lucas has changed his mind yet again and is planning to title the movie STAR WARS EPISODE III: THE CREEPING FEAR. This is apparently a reference to a hooded Death-type character who wipes out the Jedi. I don't how I feel about this, assuming it is even true. It is definitely a better title than ATTACK OF THE CLONES but that doesn't change the fact that it sounds more like the title to a 1960's Vincent Price horror movie. I still say Lucas should call it STAR WARS EPISODE III: IT CAME FROM THE DARKSIDE.
Another rumor surfaced over at Dark Horizons about the possibility of a sequel to TRAINING DAY with Ethan Hawke returning but no Denzel Washington, who won a Best Actor Oscar for his performance in the original. Hawke is apparently itching to go the action film star route, one of the reasons he appeared in TAKING LIVES despite it not really being an action film, and supposedly wantd to make the movie partnered with Kiefer Sutherland. First of all, Ethan Hawke is just not cut out for action films. Secondly, TRAINING DAY was Denzel's film and there is nothing left without him.
With all the comic books being turned into big screen movies a superhero movie not based on a comic book that has been in the works for ages now looks to finally making its way to a theater near you. Originally created quite a few years ago by comic guru Rob Lifield as an original superhero creation specifically for Tom Cruise, THE MARK is about an everyman who discovers that a strange tattoo has transferred to his body from the corpse of a Confederate soldier granting him special powers but also giving him the impulse to use it for evil purposes. Despite having the character specifically made for him, Cruise finally tossed it aside and Will Smith became attached to the film. Then for the longest time it seemed as if Will Smith had tossed it aside. Now Variety reports that Nickelodeon Movies and Will Smith's production company are finally getting serious about actually making the movie. Once the feature film arrives an animated series on Spike TV will debut. The fact that Spike TV has any ties whatsoever with this movie immediately sets off massive alarm bells. So does any movie that combines Will Smith with any element of the Confederacy. WILD WILD WEST anyone?
Another comic book set to debut on the big screen is HACK/SLASH, the first issue of which doesn?t even arrive in comic shops for a few more weeks. HACK/SLASH could best be described as being along the lines of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer only she hunts slasher movie-style killers instead of vampires. More specifically, the first story arc of the comic book is about a girl named Cassie, the daughter of an infamous slasher known as "The Lunch Lady", who travels around the country killing off homicidal slashers. She meets her match in the town of Eminence, Indiana, whose residents are being killed off by an undead slasher and his army of zombie animals. I don't know if the comic book will actually be any good, it certainly sounds like it has some potential, but I still can't help but to find it odd that Hollywood producers keep picking up the rights to make movies out of comic books that haven't even come out yet. What if it sucks? What if it bombs? Talk about putting the cart before the horse.
The big screen version of BEWITCHED continues to add big name cast members. Joining Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell as Samantha and Darren will be Shirley MacLaine and Michael Caine as Samantha's mother and father. Shirley MacLaine as a witch? Sounds about right.
Remember that USA Network horror/cop show about a police officer teaming up with Frankenstein's Monster in present day Seattle to battle the evil Dr. Victor Frankenstein and his other horrific creations? According to Variety, the cop part of this odd couple will be played by independent movie icon Parker Posey, who has clearly decided she's tired of being an independent movie icon. Of course, I think she pretty much sealed that deal when she showed up in SCREAM 3 for no particular reason. No work yet on who will play Frankenstein or exactly when the series will premiere.
Variety reports that NBC will produce two more of their BEHIND THE CAMERA movies, telefilms detailing the more scandalous and salacious details behind a popular television series of yesteryear. The first one they made was about Three's Company and was a surprisingly decent movie. The second was about Charlie's Angels and while I did not watch that one actually managed to go beyond the realm of awfulness into unwatchability. Next up for the TV movie series, Mork & Mindy and Bewitched. No thank you. Call me when they get around to making one about the behind the scenes shenanigans of ALF and Small Wonder.
Speaking of NBC, 10.5 , the network's epic earthquake disaster miniseries that appears primed to be a great big ball of cheese will premiere on May 2nd just in time for May sweeps. I know I'll be watching.
BOA VS PYTHON, formerly entitled PYTHON VS BOA as if that really matters, will debut on Saturday, May 22nd at 9 PM EST and then repeat again that evening at 1 AM EST. Something tells me you won't want to miss this one because boy does this flick's plot have the potential to make for either some Grade-A cheese or yet another UFO Films crapfest. In much the same vein as KING KONG, a media bigwig imports an 80-foot python to the United States. However, instead of putting it on display for the public to gawk at before getting loose and going on a rampage, the gigantic snake is going to serve as the quarry for a group of wealthy big game hunters. They've apparently grown weary of shooting lions, tigers, and bears, oh my! In what should come as absolutely no shock to anyone, the python escapes and turns the local town into an all-you-can-eat buffet. I assume this is where the masked wrestlers and bikini models I previously mentioned playing a part in the film. Along comes an FBI agent, played by David Hewlett of SCANNERS 2 and CUBE fame, and a herpetologist, played by ex-Playboy Playmate and WARLOCK 3 victim Angel Boris, to deal with the giant snake problem. How does one defeat a rampaging 80-foot python? By releasing a specially bred 70-foot boa constrictor to kill it, of course! Personally, I'd have used gene-splicing to create a Godzilla-sized mongoose to kill the snake. Just think of the sequel possibilities with a gargantuan city-smashing mongoose on the loose! But that's just me and last time I checked UFO Films hadn't hired me to script any of their movies. Their loss.
Finally today, you can read my advance review of The Rock's remake of WALKING TALL at Ain't It Cool News. Don't expect many laughs though as it was such a frustratingly bad movie it greatly inhibited my ability to mock. You can read that review by clicking here and then scrolling down a little after the page loads. I also have a new Creature Corner review for a recently released giant worm movie called PARASITE that is unfortunately infested with the awful movie disease I dubbed S.O.P.E.S. You can read the review and find out what S.O.P.E.S. is by clicking here. In addition to my TURBO TEEN article, my newest movie quiz (It?s not what you think!) is now up at the Schlocktoberfest site. You can read my SPRING MOVIE QUIZ 2004 by clicking right here and be sure to enter the contest for a chance to win a DVD of that insane Mexican monster movie THE BRAINIAC. And expect the official announcement regarding this year's fest later this week!
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 7:19 AM | Comments
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