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Friday, February 20, 2004
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 2-20-04
Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea...let's go to press!
Is the world ready for a new SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT movie? I say no but then it isn't about what I think. Australian writer/director Tim McLaughlan certainly thinks so and he's the one determined to give the world SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT 4000. Originally starring Burt Reynolds as the wily Bandit and Jackie Gleason as the portly policeman in hot pursuit, McLaughlan is hoping to cast Vince Vaughn as the new Bandit, who will be a beer-bellied drunk, and Woody Harrelson as a sleeker and meaner Smokey. The plot however remains the same, as it will once again be a chase flick about delivering bootlegged beer however there will be one major difference. It will be set in outer space in the year 4000! Didn't someone already make this movie? Wasn't it called SPACE TRUCKERS? SATB4K is set for a spring 2005 release and expect Burt Reynolds to turn up in a cameo. It's not as if he's getting flooded with better offers anyway.
Speaking of remake/sequels we neither want nor need, Variety reports that Disney's $50 million remake of THE LOVE BUG will be entitled (set gag reflexes to "wretch") HERBIE: FULLY LOADED. And as previously reported, current tweener star of the milisecond Lindsay Lohan will be behind the wheel of the Volkswagen, which will find itself steeped in the world of NASCAR. Just writing this I'm feeling steeped up to my waist in something and it isn't the world of NASCAR.
Staying in speed mode, it looks like SUPERMAN may be off yet again so director McG has already lined himself up another project. The CHARLIE'S ANGELS auteur will direct PURE EVEL, a pull-no-punches of professional daredevil Evel Knievel. Such a film was previously in the works not too long ago with Matthew McConaughey set to star but that one, much like the real life Knievel, crashed and burned before landing. I seriously doubt McG's biopic could possibly be funnier than the one from the early 70's that starred George Hamilton but hopefully it will at least prove more entertaining than Knievel's own cinematic misfire VIVA KNIEVAL! Ugh, that movie is awful. Oh, for those wondering, yes, McG is still developing a big screen live action HOT WHEELS movie.
Okay, it's wacky rumor time. As always, take them with a grain of salt until there's official confirmation. Here's five that'll make you roll your eyes.
1) Forget Sarah Michelle Gellar and Charisma Carpenter. Dark Horizons reports that Warner Brothers is interested in possibly casting Larissa, the star of NBC's reality show Average Joe 2, in the role of WONDER WOMAN. I've seen promos for this show so I can say she does look like she could fit the role but the woman has zero acting experience. And no, crying crocodile tears when giving the boot to some guy that looks like Carrot Top doesn't constitute acting.
2) As many of you may already know, George Clooney has already been horribly miscast in the role of Hannibal for the upcoming big screen version of THE A-TEAM. Now comes the rumor that Clooney has offered the role B.A. Baracus, the role made famous by Mr. T, to squeaky voiced disgraced boxer and probable sociopath Mike Tyson. While Tyson may look menacing I just can't envision him ever uttering the line "I pity the fool" without the audience erupting into laughter. If he does get the role maybe he can change the line to something about eating the other guy's children.
3) The odds of CATWOMAN being a cinematic abortion are astronomical. If this next rumor is true then those odds just went from astronomical to absolute certainty. Ain't It Cool News received a tidbit from a supposedly credible insider on the movie that Batman will be making a cameo in the flick. According to this insider, Benjamin Bratt will portray the Dark Knight. Two things here. Bratt is listed in the credits for the movie as playing police officer Tom Lone which makes no sense if he's Batman and the last time I checked the Caped Crusader wasn't Latino. I guess we'll find out later this summer.
4) Hot Dog Magazine reports that Eliza Dushku is a favorite for the role of The Black Cat in the third SPIDER-MAN movie. That's all well and good except production of the sequel due out this summer hasn't even finished yet so it is way to early to be speculating about future sequel casting. Remember the Vin Diesel as Venom rumor from a while back? Exactly.
5) Disney is developing a film based on the novel THE GREATEST GAME EVER PLAYED about a competition between two famous golfers in the early 20th century. Word is that the role of one of the famous golfers has been offered to wardrobe malfunction expert Justin Timberlake. Why? Why? Why is this guy's name constantly being talked about for film roles? Enough already!
Okay, enough with the wacky rumors. Let's bring on some video game movie sequel pain. A website called Tomb Raider Chronicles has the scoop that the recent sequel's international box office was strong enough to warrant the production of yet a 3rd TOMB RAIDER movie. The next sequel will be entitled LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER: THE THEATER OF EMPTINESS. Yeah, I made that up. Accurate though. According to a write-up in the latest Playstation Magazine, we can expect HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2 in March of 2005. Maybe I should have put this in the wacky rumor category since I'll believe this when it happens. Quoting the magazine, the sequel "will be a huge war movie where the AMS response team has to take over a city infiltrated by zombies. It's all a little like Escape From New York." Except ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK didn't blow goats! I hate to be the one to break the news to them but that plot is practically identical to that of the upcoming RESIDENT EVIL sequel. Oy, vey! Also no word on whether or not Uwe Boll will direct the sequel although seeing as how he's begun distancing himself from the original I rather doubt I'm going to have to fire up the "Uwe Boll Emergency Alert System" here. There's even talk of a third sequel that would be a post-apocalyptic zombie epic with the entire world overrun by zombies. Never gonna happen, folks. Never gonna happen!
MTV reports that Limp Bizkit frontman and walking lobotomy Fred Durst continues to seek a project to make his feature film directorial debut. Maybe he should direct HOUSE OF THE DEAD 2?
The sequel to JUMANJI. Those are four words I wish I never had to type but now I must do just that. Jon Favreau, director of the recent holiday hit ELF, is in talks to direct ZATHURA, the sequel to JUMANJI but this time based around an intergalactic boardgame so you can expect aliens, robots, and flying saucers to run amok instead of jungle animals this time out. Fortunately, none of the original cast will return, especially Robin Williams who was uber-annoying in that film.
THIS IS NOT A TEST! WE INTERRUPT THIS REPORT FOR AN UPDATE FROM THE UWE BOLL EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM! REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A TEST!
This just in from the Hollywood Reporter, Uwe Boll has picked up the rights to yet another video game for him to make into a feature film and this one hasn't even been released yet. The game in question is called FAR CRY and is a first-person shooter described as being "incredibly frightening" . The game, which has been getting a lot of advance hype even though this is the first I've heard of it, is about a tough guy with a troubled past who runs a charter business in Micronesia whose latest assignment is to transport an eager young journalist to one of the many islands. Things so very bad and you find yourself being hunted teams of mercenaries that can attack in all varieties of ways. Not sure where the "incredibly frightening" part comes in other than the prospect of yet another Uwe Boll video game movie.
THIS HAS BEEN THE UWE BOLL EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM. PLEASE STAY TUNED TO THIS WEBSITE FOR FURTHER UPDATES. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED REPORT ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
The show isn't even off the air yet and already a SEX IN THE CITY movie is in the works. Variety reports that HBO is making deals with the show's four stars to reprise their roles for the feature film, a feat rarely accomplished except most notably by the Star Trek and X-Files films. Maybe they can call this movie SEX IN THE CITY: FIGHT THE FUTURE and then have them fight the Borg in a future sequel.
Bloody Disgusting reports that THE CROW: WICKED PRAYER, the latest sequel with Edward Furlong as the title character battling satanic bikers lead by David Boreanaz and Tara Reid, will almost certainly be going direct to video. The reason why according to various sources is because the movie is "crap" plain and simple. The movie?s only scheduled release so far is for this August...in Russia!
Moviehole reports that Salma Hayek is writing a script called THE MAN IN THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET that she intends to turn into a motion picture, which she will also star in and/or direct. The comedy deals with a Mexican woman married to an American drug dealer who is being investigated by a retired cop, who is also a drug addict himself. Oh yeah, that really sounds like a million laughs right there. Drug addiction = comedy gold!
Look like David DeCoteau is leaving the wet-lipped, gay bait boys behind for awhile as his next two movies focus on the girls. According to Fangoria, he's just wrapped WITCHES OF THE CARIBBEAN (Oh dear God, tell me this is a bad joke!) and he's preparing to begin work on THE SISTERHOOD, which will essentially be a female version of his popular (Hey, somebody is watching these movies. Damned if I know who!) direct-to-video franchise THE BROTHERHOOD. Expect plenty of lesbianic overtones in these two. Is "lesbianic" even an actual word?
There is no escape from reality television. Reality shows (or "unscripted dramas" as has become the preferred lingo) have become like the Blob devouring everything and everyone it can. So what's one more? Variety reports that Survivor producer Mark Burnett is joining forces with the Italian Stallion himself, Sylvester Stallone to bring us The Contender. You guessed it! It's a reality show about the search for the next big boxing superstar. So basically it will be the boxing version of the WWE/MTV show Tough Enough. I think I'll pass on this one unless the contestants are eliminated by from the show by being punched into unconsciousness by Rocky Balboa.
Surefire sign of the apocalypse #3457349: The Fox Network is planning to revive the classic talking horse series Mr. Ed, so says the Hollywood Reporter. Sherman Hemsley, who is best known for playing George Jefferson, will voice the horse, of course, of course. I can?t wait to hear the horse call Wilbur a "honkey" or yell "Weezie!" a million times an episode.
Finally today, a reminder that this Saturday night at 9PM EST on the Sci-Fi Channel is the premiere of CURSE OF THE KOMODO. For those unaware this is Jim Wynorski's new monster movie about soldiers and scientists on a tropical island plagued by giant man-eating komodo dragons whose bite can also turn people into zombies. Will it be crap on a stick? Probably, but there's always the chance of a miracle that the movie will turn out to be a lot of fun.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 9:46 AM | Comments
Thursday, February 19, 2004
DOLPH LUNDGREN 2004 DIRECT-TO-VIDEO UPDATE!
Despite having stated a year ago he was planning to retire from movies it looks like Lundgren is actually as busy as he’s ever been with five new flicks due out this year, one of which has already hit video store shelves. Here’s a list of what’s to come and which one is already here.
DETENTION – Think DIE HARD in a high school with Dolph as an ex-soldier turned teacher overlooking the detention class during his final day on the job who must save everyone from a band of Eurotrash drug-runners that have taken over the school. This one came out on video back in January (How did I miss this?) and sounds so astoundingly silly that I feel the urge to run out and rent it.
RETROGRADE – Dolph Lundgren joins forces with fellow direct-to-video action star Gary Daniels in this sci-fi thriller about “two time travelers with opposing views sent back to the present aboard a research ship in the Antarctic to prevent a global biological disaster from occuring.” Time travel, kickboxing, biological catastrophe, and icebergs – what more could you ask for?
DIRECT ACTION – “A suspense action drama that follows a day in the life of a police sergeant on the Direct Action Unit who must come to terms with fighting crime not only on the streets, but also within his department. Who do you trust and where do you turn when your life is in danger and your colleagues are the cause?” Yawn. Sorry, but that just sounds way too generic, especially after those last two plot descriptions and the ones to come.
IT WAITS - “In a remote mountain wilderness, two poachers accidentally release a vicious predator from its ancient tomb and pay for the mistake with their lives. The only human for miles is Mike - a United States forest ranger newly assigned to the area as part of an international environmental program. When the beast tracks him down, Mike must confront the evil by himself in this Predator-style action/horror film.” Dolph Lundgren as a forest ranger vs. an ancient monster? I guess this is as close as I’m ever going to get to that Jean Claude Van Damme vs. Bigfoot movie I’ll never get.
THE DEFENDER – Last but certainly not least is this movie whose plot remains a mystery but features Dolph Lundgren protecting the President of the United States as portrayed by – I hope you’re sitting down for this one – Jerry Springer! Even more astonishing is that Lundgren will reportedly direct the movie as well as star in it! This one is already a keeper.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 12:30 AM | Comments
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Joe's Links for 2-18-2004
Whatever Happened to Fay Wray?
'Superfly' Actor Ron O'Neal dies at 66
Mars: The Red Peril
Talking film trash with Joe Bob Briggs
'Scary' alien complaints upheld
'Superflown.'
Miami's B-Movie mogul, K. Gordon Murray
Invasion of the Creature Feature
'Exorcist' shooting location found in Iraq
Hello, Earthlings!
A Blood Feast of American film
Lost and Found: The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (review)
Movie Popcorn Pioneer Dies at 85
Mad Mel - Paranoid, or just a brilliant marketer?
posted by Christopher 1:13 PM | Comments
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