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Saturday, February 14, 2004
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 2-14-04
Nothing says "I Love You" quite like the gift of bad movie news so here's your very special Valentine's Day update.
In yet another sign of the coming apocalypse, 20th Century Fox and MGA Entertainment will co-produce a combination live-action/animated feature film based on the scarily successful Bratz doll line. In addition, Fox will distribute an original direct-to-video BRATZ movie (I’m assuming animated.) later this year. For those unfamiliar with the toy line, the Bratz are essentially Troll doll sized Barbie’s with a trashy Paris Hilton-like makeover. As if the female half of the tweener generation doesn’t watch enough entertainment that preaches the value of materialism and narcissism already.
Buffy or Cordelia, which will be the next Wonder Woman? Both Buffy, the Vampire Slayer cast members are high in the running for the lead in Warner Brothers new WONDER WOMAN movie. Personally, I wouldn’t cast either one of them in the role but if I had to pick between those two I’d have to give the part to Charisma Carpenter simply because Sarah Michelle Gellar would be the world’s tiniest Amazon and that’s just all wrong. When you think Amazonian you don’t think petite.
It’s TV to the big screen time! Will there be a DUKES OF HAZZARD big screen movie? According to the film’s writer, Warner Brothers is waiting to see how the upcoming STARSKY & HUTCH movie does before deciding whether or not to greenlight the movie. Okay people, you know what not to do unless you want to see Anthony Anderson chasing after Ashton Kutcher and Paul Walker while Britney Spears prances around in short shorts. DO NOT PAY TO SEE STARSKY & HUTCH!!! Meanwhile, with things full speed ahead on the big screen BEWITCHED movie with Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell in the leads, talk of an I DREAM OF JEANNIE movie is heating up yet again. The past week has seen rumors of current waif of the moment Keira Knightley being offered the lead role. These rumors might also have a lot to do with the fact that her BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM director Gurinder Chadha is in talks to direct the movie. Knightley is definitely a better pick for the role than Jessica Simpson, who was previously said to be up for the role. Still, there is simply no reason for an I DREAM OF JEANNIE movie or even a BEWITCHED movie. This is CAR 54, WHERE ARE YOU? and MCHALE’S NAVY territory. Finally, Moviehole is reporting a rumor that Kevin Smith may direct the long in the works big screen GREEN HORNET movie. Well, that would certainly be an interesting move on Smith’s part. Should be interesting to see the Green Hornet and Kato “reimagined” as chain-smoking, foul-mouthed, pop culture quipping superheroes.
Another week, another remake. This time the remake is of the 1974 blacksploitation flick TRUCK TURNER. That one starred Isaac Hayes in the title role as a bounty hunter that kills a felon named Gator and then ends up with a bounty on his head courtesy of Gator’s old lady. Queen Latifah is producing the remake and I’m assuming she won’t be casting herself as the title character so maybe she’ll end playing the old lady. Don’t know and frankly I don’t care. Call me when they remake BLACK BELT JONES.
Moviehole reports a rumor that Donnie Yen is attached to star in and direct a remake of the uber-controversial Japanese hit BATTLE ROYALE. Seeing as how the original will probably never get released in the US I highly doubt that any US studio would do a remake. And why Donnie Yen, a kung fu guy? The original was about high school kids on an island shooting and stabbing each other. Doesn’t sound appropriate for someone like Yen unless they plan to ditch the guns and knives and replace it with MATRIX-style kung fu. I shudder just thinking about it.
Dark Horizons reports that current tweener “it” girl Lindsay Lohan will star in Disney’s latest remake of HERBIE, THE LOVE BUG. Next please!
The remake of John Carpenter’s ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 has it’s stars. The soon-to-be ex-Mr. Uma Thurman, or Ethan Hawke as his friends call him, has been cast as the officer on duty at a police station under siege. Laurence “Fat Morpheus” Fishburne has been cast as a locked-up mob boss who is the reason for the siege. The remake of the cult classic will take place at an understaffed precinct on New Year’s Eve that finds itself under attack by gangster’s looking to spring their boss. The same guy that wrote THE NEGOTIATOR wrote the script for this one so it may actually turn out good. Still, this is a completely unnecessary remake.
Radioactive marijuana turns smokers into flesh-eating ghouls in POT ZOMBIES, so reports Fangoria. I’m sorry but hasn’t that movie already been made before? I’d swear I’ve heard of another movie with an almost identical plot. The sticky green will also raise havoc in BITE ME! in which a crate of bio-engineered reefer spawns a horde of oversized mutant bugs that terrorize a strip club and Misty Mundae. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – “Just Say No!” That applies to both the drug and these movies.
Imagine my happiness upon seeing a blurb on Fangoria’s website about ABOMINABLE going into production. Now imagine my disappointment when I learned this wasn’t the long talked about Jean Claude Van Damme vs. Bigfoot movie I’ve been dying to see but instead some indie horror movie described as “Bigfoot meets REAR WINDOW”. Still, any killer Bigfoot movie is okay in my book. “It centers on a paralyzed man who is trapped in a remote cabin and must save a group of college students vacationing nearby from a menacing monster.” Filling out the cast is the likes of Matt McCoy, Dee Wallace Stone, Paul Gleason, Jeffrey Combs, and Tiffany Shepis. They’re hoping for a theatrical release. Good luck on that one. This sounds pretty direct-to-video to me. Oh, here’s a quote from the director regarding what their Bigfoot will be like that I think you’ll find quite amusing. “He’s like an inbred, mutated, homicidal version of the one from HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS.” Okay, I’m sold.
Finally today, just click this link. Trust me. You want to know about this.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 9:28 AM | Comments
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Movies X News All Out Attack
Good day to you, fair reader, lets get wit’ the movie news shall we?
The Twins Effect 2 has gone into production in Yunnan Province. As I reported last year, due to a desire to sell this film in Mainland China which has very severe restrictions on the depictions of ghosts and superstition in films, this sequel has totally dropped the vampire hunting storyline from the first film. Instead this is a sequel in name only with a period setting though still starring The Twins, the massively successful Cantopop duo Charlene Choi (the cute one) and Gillian Cheung (the other cute one). From various reports on Monkey Peaches it would seem the plot is a convoluted one revolving around a struggle for the royal throne. Charlene Choi and Gillian Cheung work for an evil empress played by Qu Wing (broke out in Zhang Yimou’s Keep Cool) as a gatherer of slaves and bodyguard respectively, but are secretly helping an exiled prince who one of them is romantically involved with. The exiled prince is played by Fong Cho-Ming, son of Jackie Chan, and he is protected by Donnie Yen who worked as fight choreographer on the last film as well as with this one. Taiwanese actor Chen Bo-Lin plays a love interest for whichever Twin isn’t connected to Fong, and from what I gather Qu Wing also plays the sister of the evil empress but God only knows at this point where she comes into all this. Jackie Chan is both reported to be in the film and not in it, as it has been said that he doesn’t want to overshadow his son, but Donnie says he and Jackie will have a fight a the climax of the film. Hopefully things will become a little less bloody confusing over time.
Incidentally, for those interested the first The Twins Effect is getting a USA DVD release on March 30th under the title Vampire Effect which is probably a good idea considering most in the west have no idea who The Twins are. My review of the film is here.
Also speaking of Jackie Chan one of his upcoming films, a new adaptation of Around the World in 80 Days has a trailer online at TheMovieBox.net in a variety of sizes and formats for your perusal. Chan just wrapped up New Police Story and is about to start Time Breaker with Stanley Tong where he will play a character who travels from present day to some time in China’s past. Apparently after The Medallion he is pushing for more real action over CGI effects.
Monkey Peaches also reports that, unsurprisingly, Wong Kar Wai’s 2046 which I have covered in the past is still not finished. Over four years in the making, this semi-sequel to the masterful In the Mood For Love will see more filming in Hong Kong and shooting will finish by the end of the month. That leaves just three years for post production, I guess.
Oh, one more little thing and I’ll shut up about Hong Kong, recently released there to a very good box office is another Donnie Yen directed and choreographed offering called Protégé De La Rose Noire which though my very rusty understanding of French means something along the lines of Student of the Black Rose. Described as “a freewheeling riff” of 1992’s Black Rose movie by Donnie Yen’s official site whatever the hell that means, it stars The Twins again along with Twins Effect co-star Ekin Cheng and you can see a trailer for it here. It’s a .mov file but be warned, it’s a 41 MB download. Credit to Monkey Peaches again for the link.
Tempe has news of a new release that’s been waiting to come out since 1999 – Eddie Presley. He’s a down on his luck Elvis impersonator who is stuck in a dead-end security job left remising of his glory days when he was pretty successful portraying The King. Then when he gets the chance to make a come-back at a seedy Las Vegas club, he breaks down on stage and indulges in an improvised performance that the audience will never forget. Its actually serious drama based on a stage play written by star Duane Whittaker with satirical looks at politics and the entertainment industry. So why the hell are genre specialists Tempe releasing it? It would seem to be on the strength of the cast full of cult favourites. For a start Whittaker was responsible for writing and co-starring in the underrated From Dust ‘Til Dawn 2 and has appeared in numerous other films including Tales From the Hood and Groom Lake. Director Jeff Burr who directed the likes of Puppet Master 4&5 and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3: Leatherface. The cast also includes Clu Gulager, Stacie Bourgeois, Ted Raimi, Willard Pugh, R.A. Mihailoff, Tim Thomerson, Joe Estevez , Chuck Williams, John Lazar, Roscoe Lee Browne, Daniel Roebuck and Lawrence Tierney and there are “lost cameos” from Quentin Tarantino and Bruce Campbell, who can be seen in the extras on the second disc of the special edition set Tempe are putting out. An interesting move by Tempe and by all means if you know some of the names listed above it might be worth checking this out when its out on May 11th. The trailer can be seen here.
Ocean’s 12. God help us.
Is there actually going to be a movie based on The Simpsons? Well according to CHUD and Dark Horizons writer/director Mike Reiss spoke to DVD Fanatic and said we can expect it in 2006. Quothe Reiss: “They’ve wanted to do this since season two. It’s been 13 years of wanting to do “The Simpsons” Movie. Finally FOX said, “Let’s just do it!” We never had the greatest idea that was compelling but FOX said, “Maybe if we start paying you, you’ll get inspired.” And sure enough it worked! We’ve got a very good and interesting idea and it’s different from the show. You know, it’s like the “South Park” movie where it’s just a bigger, longer, amplified version of the show. I can’t tell you anything specific about it. My wife doesn’t even know the secret.” If this had been announced 13 years ago this might have been exciting, but as the show has sucked for the past couple of years the idea of 90 minutes of their current material doesn’t sound too inspiring. Oh, and once Fox started throwing money at them they got inspired? That’s a great message to throw out there ain’t it?
CHUD tells us that Liam Neeson has officially signed on to play Ra’s Al Ghul in Batman: Intimidation Game. Along with Christian Bale as Batman the cast also includes Katie Holmes, Michael Caine, and Cillian Murphy from 28 Days Later.
And I’m outta here like I stole something, thanks for reading and Janet Jackson is INNOCENT!
Martin Leggett
posted by Martin 10:20 AM | Comments
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