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Friday, February 06, 2004
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 2-6-04
Good morning Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea... Britney to bop Bond, Jesus to battle Debbie Rochon, Casper Van Dien to hunt space Dracula, more remakes, more sequels, more Woo, and Hugh Grant wants to eat Brad Pitt's penis? Lots of schlock to take stock of today so let's go to press!
Britney Spears the next Bond babe? It may happen. The pop tart is hell bent to give herself a big screen career and according to IMDB, she thinks doing the dirty deed with 007 is the way to go. According to a source, "Britney's desperate to carve out a name for herself as an actress and loves the idea of being a Bond girl. She's in great shape and thinks she'd be brilliant. Britney has seen what it's done profile wise for Halle Berry and she wants a slice of the action." Did DIE ANOTHER DAY really do that much Halle's career? Funny, I thought winning an Oscar and going topless in SWORDFISH had a bigger hand in that than appearing in a lackluster Bond movie. Well, I guess if Denise Richards can play a nuclear physicist than they can surely cast Britney Spears as molecular engineer or something along those lines.
Jesus vs. Debbie Rochon, the battle that had to happen eventually. The New York Post reports that scream queen and my #1 fan Debbie Rochon will star in a new horror movie called LORD OF THE UNDEAD that depicts Jesus Christ as the leader of a horde of heroic zombies at war with the forces of evil led by the daughter of Lucifer, as played by Debbie Rochon. I'm already rootin? for Jesus. I guess after JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER a Jesus zombie movie isn't all that outrageous. Maybe next someone can make a movie where Jesus hunts werewolves?
Speaking of ridiculous ideas, that LEPRECHAUN: PIMPIN? IN DA HOOD was just a fake rumor made up by a practical joker out to dupe some film sites. Also, it has been announced that the upcoming HOUSE OF WAX remake will not be made in 3-D after all.
The story of that German cannibal whose victim volunteered to be eaten will apparently be heading to the big screen. According to Dark Horizons, Hugh Grant of all people has expressed interest in playing the recently imprisoned German cannibal. Boy, he must really be looking to change his image. Dark Horizons also reports that Brad Pitt is in talks to play the victim whose penis was severed and then the pair ate it together after frying it in garlic, salt & pepper before being killed, dismembered, and eaten by the cannibal. This sounds like one hell of a date movie.
Wacky SUPERMAN rumor time: Superhero Hype reports Bruce Willis might be up for Lex Luthor. At this point it seems everyone in Hollywood has been rumored to play a role in this movie or will be before filming actually begins, assuming filming ever does begin.
Sad news for all of you MISS CONGENIALTY fans out there. Filmjerk reports that while William Shatner and Heather Burns will return, Michael Caine's commitments to BATMAN: INTIMIDATION may prevent him from reprising his role as a gay beauty pageant consultant for the highly anticipated by no one I know of MISS CONGENIALITY 2. I'm sure Caine is all busted up over it too.
The reigning queen of the tweeners, Hilary Duff, has a new movie that should delight her fans. Duff has signed on to star in a the Miramax comedy OUTWARD BLONDE about a materialistic New York girl who gets sent on an Outward Bound program after she fails gym class. Not being completely sure what an Outward Bound program was I looked it up. An Outward Bound adventure is an awakening, an exploration into the unknown. At Outward Bound, you'll harness your mind and body as you travel some of the Earth's most rugged and untouched wilderness areas where nature is both teacher and sage - pushing you, rewarding you and reminding you of both your greatness and your interconnectedness. Now let me translate that for you in the form of a Hilary Duff movie. A snobby, self-centered rich girl is forced to go on a wilderness hike where she complains a lot and comic hijinks ensue before eventually learning to appreciate the simpler things in life, finding romance with one of the cute, young nature guides, and helping to save everyone's life during a life-threatening situation. Anyone wanna bet that's exactly how it all plays out?
I?m not sure how I feel about this next one. Variety reports that Universal has hired Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini, the Oscar nominated screenwriters of AMERICAN SPLENDOR, to write and direct an updated version of BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN. The movie will virtually nothing in common with James Whales' 1935 classic focusing on a modern-day New York college student who begins experiencing memories that aren?t her own, and discovers that she has died and been brought back to life. How this ties into Dr. Frankenstein and his monster is yet unexplained. If it wasn't using the BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN title I could get a lot more excited about this.
It?s official! Wes Craven?s cult classic THE HILLS HAVE EYES will be getting remade courtesy of Dimension Films. Due to the success of the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake expect this to being just one of many classic horror movies to get the remake/re-imagining treatment.
Columbia Pictures has greenlit DELILAH, a movie that melds the disaster film with the prison escape action flick. "Delilah" is the name of a Category Five hurricane whose landfall allows for a prison escape leading to a small-town deputy having to confront both the wrath of mother nature and the a slew of violent escaped cons. DELILAH could turn out to be a good movie but just reading the premise brings back to many bad memories of me sitting in the theater enduring a similar flick called HARD RAIN. Have I ever told you how much that movie sucked?
John Woo, a director in desperate need of a hit, is looking to direct a feature film version of Tom Clancy's novel RAINBOW SIX, which has already been turned into a hit video game. Clancy told Moviehole not too long ago that he'd like Tom Selleck to star despite knowing full well that he?s too old for the role and that the studios would never go for it. Whoever stars, hopefully a script based on a Tom Clancy property will help Woo return to form.
Did you know that REEFER MADNESS was adapted into an off-Broadway musical? Me neither. Well now the musical, which is a send-up of the campy 1936 anti-marijuana movie, will be adapted for television for the Showtime network. Filming begins this April but don't expect to see it until sometime next year.
Wanna know more about DRACULA 3000: INFINITE DARKNESS, the intergalactic Dracula movie starring Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, and Coolio? You know you do! Here's the plot as provided by the site Film Africa (Hey, it was filmed in Africa.) One thousand years into the future, and somewhere in the far reaches of outer space, a terrifying legend lives on. It's the year 3000 AD. A salvage ship on a routine interstellar mission discovers the drifting, silent hulk of the off-world space transporter Demeter, reported missing 100 years earlier. Excited by the prospects of quick financial gain from towing back and trading in the old vessel, Mina, Van Helsing and the rest of their crew boldly board the abandoned ship, hoping to recover any valuable freight left onboard. But as they explore its cold, empty passageways, they become aware of a terrible secret. First Mina uncovers Demeter's mysterious cargo - 50 long, black coffins. Then, one by one the crew begins to disappear or turn against one another, until there can be no doubt that an ancient curse lives on in the bowels of this once-great ship, awaiting its next victim. In the blackness of space the sun never rises, the ideal environment for the immortal vampire to spread his evil. For the survivors, the only hope for salvation is a desperate race across the universe, rocketing at the speed of light, praying that they'll reach the welcoming rays of the Twin Suns of Halbron...before it's too late. This sounds like it has the potential to be a great trash film. Oh, the movie?s tagline is "In Space, The Sun Never Rises." For a look at the film's poster, click the Film Africa link above.
The Sci-Fi Channel has a new movie premiering this Saturday night as 9 PM EST. ALIEN LOCKDOWN is the tale of a geneticist that believes wiping out humanity would just be the next evolutionary step for the planet so he uses alien DNA to create a new weapon with the potential to eliminate mankind. When the experiment goes awry and the alien creature goes on a murderous rampage, the secret government lab where the experiment was conducted is locked down and special ops military strike team is called in to kill it. Hope it plays out with more originality than the ALIEN clone description makes it sound like.
I've got a couple new reviews for everyone. The first is of the current #1 movie in the country YOU GOT SERVED, which can be found at Ain't It Cool News. YOU GOT SERVED is no BREAKIN'. Hell, it isn't even LAMBADA. You can read it here. The second is an advance review of a soon to be released slasher movie titled S.I.C.K (Serial Insane Clown Killer). This movie is without question the absolute worst movie I've ever reviewed for Creature Corner and everyone should consider this review a public service. You can read that one here. And don't forget my HOUSE OF THE DEAD diss-ection and review of a toy line headed for the incinerators plus a new "easter egg" that is rather fowl are all available right now at the Schlocktoberfest site.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 2:12 AM | Comments
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
THIS IS A TEST OF THE UWE BOLL EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM
It's full speed ahead for Uwe Boll's big screen adaptation of the hit video game DUNGEON SIEGE. Boll tells Gamespot that a screenwriter has been picked to script his next video game flick. The scribe in question is David Freeman, writer of the upcoming VAN HELSING...I mean writer of the upcoming VAN HELSING video game based on the feature film. Boll claims he has learned the value of a competently written script following the disastrous HOUSE OF THE DEAD. Quoting Boll, "With a great script everything is much easier. You still can f*** up with a great script during the shooting of the movie, but you can never produce a great movie out of a sh***y script. I learned my lesson with House of the Dead…a sh***y script." If you've listened to the Mark Altman audio commentary on the HOUSE OF THE DEAD DVD then these comments by Boll are especially funny. According to Altman, the man killed virtually everything in the backstory explaining the villains motivations as well as virtually everything developing the characters themselves and yet he still left other lines of dialogue in the script that made reference to some of the things that he never filmed. The way Altman tells it Boll tossed out about 80% of the script wanting to focus only on the action, which he insisted was all the truly mattered. But Boll isn't done saying incredibly funny things. "For Dungeon Siege, I'm looking for great characters in a Braveheart meets Conan meets Lord of the Rings story." Oh man, the odds of this movie sucking in a spectacular fashion are increasing with every word out of his mouth. Also, Boll intends to shoot DUNGEON SIEGE as a two-part feature. Well, I'll give him points for at least not saying he wanted to do a trilogy. Filming is set to begin sometime in 2005 in Vancouver, Canada. Ah, Vancouver just screams medieval fantasy realm, doesn't it?
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 11:35 PM | Comments
Versus Director Rumoured For 28th Godzilla
In some fanboy pant-wetting news from Fangoria, the director of the cult hit Versus is strongly rumoured to be set to direct the film to celebrate Godzilla's 50th anniversary. Ryuhei Kitamura has been keeping himself busy with the likes of Alive, Azumi and directing the cinematic sequences for the upcoming Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes, but is remaining very coy about what his next project will be. When asked he commented that "I can only say that it’s a rumor," and "it is true that I’m working on a big Japanese movie, and then my first U.S. movie." He would neither deny nor confirm his connection to the project. One can only wonder what this stylish director could do with the Big G, perhaps this is the shot in the arm the King of the Monsters needs.
posted by Martin 7:59 AM | Comments
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