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Saturday, January 31, 2004
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 1-31-04
Good morning Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea – and the ones at B-Fest - let’s go to press. But before we begin, take a moment of silence for the great Mystery Science Theater 3000 as it officially leaves the airwaves once and for all after this morning’s final Sci-Fi Channel broadcast.
Let’s start with a rumor so wacky that I can only hope it proves true. Creature Corner got an email from someone supposedly close to the production of the next adventure involving Warwick Davis’ pint-sized Irish killer which will allegedly be titled LEPRECHAUN: PIMPIN’ IN DA HOOD. Seems Warwick Davis isn’t getting out of the hood anytime soon. Quoting the source the plot of this installment is the following: "The script involves a pimp stealing the Leprechauns gold so the Leprechaun goes after him, gets to his hoes and has sex with them all. The hoes gives birth to baby Leprechauns creating an army of Lep Whores. The Leprechaun gets his gold back and starts his own pimping business for more gold. The other pimps get pissed off and try to take out the Leprechaun and his Lep Whores. The last forty minutes promises to be a battle between Lep Whores and Whores and the Leprechaun and the pimps." Somebody involved with these LEPRECHAUN movies must be smoking some really powerful weed to come up with a plot like that, assuming it’s even true. The source claims shooting will supposedly begin in June. For once I may actually be looking forward to seeing a LEPRECHAUN movie.
Another wacky rumor that broke this week courtesy of Ain’t It Cool News was about the potential casting of Beyonce Knowles as Lois Lane in the new SUPERMAN. Harry Knowles says he was told by a reliable inside source at Warner Brothers that this bit of casting was being seriously considered by WB execs. Fortunately it would appear that sanity has prevailed, at least for now, as Beyonce will just have to stick to her singing career and Cuba Gooding Jr. movies. Also rumored by Knowles, Harry not Beyonce, was the possible casting of Johnny Depp as Lex Luthor. According to Superhero Hype, this is partially true as Warner Brother is looking to cast Depp in SUPERMAN but as Clark’s father Jor-El and not the chrome-domed villain. At this point I don’t think it matters who they cast as what because this film just seems completely doomed any way you cut it.
As reported last week, the live action FAT ALBERT movie is back on track but the title role will actually be played by Kenan Thompson of Kenan & Kel fame. I told you this would turn into GOOD BURGER 2! Also set to join cast are Omarion and Marques Houston as Bill and Mushmouth. Ironically, both of them can currently be seen in the new breakdancing, I mean street dancing movie YOU GOT SERVED. According to Coming Soon, the movie’s plot will all but guarantee that the film will be a disaster. “In the film, the characters of Cosby's famous cartoon series find themselves in human form when they tumble out of their television show and end up in the real world. As Fat Albert tries to help young Doris win some friends, he falls in love with her sister Lauri—and everyone gets nervous that not only will his famous problem solving talent fail him, but that he'll want to stay in the real world.” I’m sorry but that whole deal with the cartoons characters coming into the real is completely played out. ROCKY & BULLWINKLE 2 anyone? Ugh.
According to Dark Horizons, Cedric the Entertainer is officially set to star in a remake of Rodney Dangerfield’s hit comedy BACK TO SCHOOL. I love the original and can say without question that there is no reason to remake it. Hollywood should not be remaking movies that came out after 1985. Is there no one with an original idea out there? Hopefully it will at least turn out better than that CAN'T BUY ME LOVE remake that came out this past December called LOVE DON'T COST A THING.
Dark Horizons reports that Cuba Gooding Jr. and Sylvester Stallone are going to star in a new big screen version of ALI BABA AND THE FORTHY THIEVES. Stallone and Cuba together in one movie? Somebody needs to contact the Golden Raspberry Awards stat so they can go ahead and create a special award for this one.
MONEY TALKS 2???? MONEY TALKS 2?!?! Yes, MONEY TALKS 2 is coming! Director Brett Ratner is planning to produce a sequel to the 1997 Chris Tucker/Charlie Sheen comedy that really wasn’t all that good, certainly not good enough to warrant a sequel six years later. In an interview with CHUD, director Ratner, who is also producing the Bill Goldberg Satanic Santa movie SANTA’S SLAY, says he’ll be producing a sequel to with original star Chris Tucker. No word on whether Charlie Sheen will return. No clue why he, Tucker, or anyone else out there thinks there’s an audience clamoring for this sequel. This Ratner guy makes some very odd producing choices.
According to Cinescape, a big screen live action G.I. JOE movie is finally going to happen. A major announcement in Variety looms but we do know that the movie will be set in present times and will most likely be a prequel to the cartoon show. I’m really hoping that second half isn’t true because I’m all prequel-ed out. I'm not even sure you do a G.I. JOE prequel either. Will they all be in boot camp getting yelled at by Sgt. Slaughter ala FULL METAL JACKET?
Here’s an amusing story courtesy of Yahoo! News. The TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake is being released in Greece under the title THE SCHIZOPHRENIC CHAINSAW KILLER, just as the original version and it’s first sequel were, and that has raised the ire of a small group of Greek psychiatrists. In a joint statement, the heads of three Greek psychiatric groups protested, "The title has no relation to the English title, the protagonist of the movie is not suffering from schizophrenia and so it is insulting and demeaning to those suffering from it. The Greek title reproduces the stereotype that everyone suffering from schizophrenia is violent and dangerous.” In a move proving that it isn’t just the United States where businesses will cower when confronted with controversy, the Greek distributor of the film has agreed to add a disclaimer before the beginning of the movie making it 100% clear that Leatherface IS NOT a schizophrenic. Well, thank God they’re clearing that up. That ranks right up there with the disclaimer Disney added to the end of their dreadful live action MR. MAGOO movie stating that the movie hadn’t been intended to demean vision impaired people, an especially ludicrous thing to do since vision impaired people probably couldn’t even read the text.
MTV has set a Sunday, March 7th premiere date for MONSTER ISLAND, their throwback movie to the monster movies of old about a group of young people having to fight off giant insects and other beasts on an island. The cast includes Carmen Electra, Adam West, and Backstreet Boy/current Paris Hilton boy toy Nick Carter. All of the monsters for the film were created via full-sized props and stop-motion animation. According to Fangoria, the movie will air in letterbox format with only one commercial break. Expect it to air several more times after that since we are talking about MTV. They run everything into the ground. If you still manage to miss it then you’ll have to wait until October 19th when it will be released on video and DVD.
Sega.com did an interview with Sonic the Hedgehog creator Yuji Naka where he expressed his interest in seeing the video game turned into a feature film. Perhaps he should contact Uwe Boll? Speaking of the HOUSE OF THE DEAD director, he states a new trailer for his next video game feature ALONE IN THE DARK will premiere in April. I’ll keep the “Uwe Boll Emergency Alert System” on standby.
Speaking of Uwe Boll, after months and months and months of delays and what not, my ultimate roasting of HOUSE OF THE DEAD is finally online for all to enjoy! Warning, it’s a monster of an article. That's what happens when you tackle a movie in which virtually every single scene in it has something fundamentally wrong with it. The HOUSE OF THE DEAD review and the FOYZ TOYZ: ENEMY COMMANDOS can both be found in the FOYEURISM section at the Schlocktoberfest site. I don't think I'll be doing another highly detailed lambasting of a single movie for a little while as this sucker burned me out. However, it didn’t burn me out enough to prevent me from doing a review of a Creature Corner DVD that could have been spawned in the fires of hell by Satan himself, Larry Buchanan’s double feature DVD of IT’S ALIVE! and YEAR 2889. You can read that warning to humanity here.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 3:33 AM | Comments
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
It's that time again: B-Fest is mere days away
The Daily Northwestern brings us this article about the upcoming 24-hour festival of b-movies, complete with a quote from Ken "Jabootu" Begg. Those in the Chicago area should definitely think about how they want to spend their weekend. Get the details at the B-Fest web site.
posted by Christopher 7:39 AM | Comments
Monday, January 26, 2004
24TH ANNUAL RAZZIE AWARD NOMINEES!
With the Oscar nominations being announced tomorrow that means today is the day we find out what the worst movies of the year were according to the Golden Raspberry Awards. I must admit I think they did a much better job with this year’s nominations than they have in the past. No surprise that GIGLI leads the pack with 9 nominations but I’m almost shocked there wasn’t that much MATRIX bashing. The Razzies have a bad habit of ganging up on certain movies or celebrities that seem fashionable to do so, hence Sly Stallone getting nominated for worst actor every year he makes a movie. There’s also a new category being introduced this year although it does seem rather redundant. How Uwe Boll and HOUSE OF THE DEAD managed to escape without getting any nominations is astounding. GIGLI is easily the odds on favorite to win worst picture but I wouldn’t be shocked if FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY sneaks in and takes it. Here’s a complete list of the nominations that will be presented on February 28th.
WORST PICTURE
CAT IN THE HAT
CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE
FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
GIGLI
THE REAL CANCUN
WORST ACTOR
Ben Affleck - DAREDEVIL, GIGLI and PAYCHECK
Cuba Gooding, Jr. - BOAT TRIP, FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS and RADIO
Justin Guarini - FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
Mike Myers -THE CAT IN THE HAT
Ashton Kutcher - CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN, JUST MARRIED & MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER
WORST ACTRESS
Drew Barrymore - CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE and DUPLEX
Cameron Diaz - CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE
Kelly Clarkson - FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
Angelina Jolie - BEYOND BORDERS and TOMB RAIDER sequel
Jennifer Lopez - GIGLI
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Anthony Anderson - KANGAROO JACK
Alec Baldwin - THE CAT IN THE HAT
Al Pacino - GIGLI
Sylvester Stallone - SPY KIDS 3-D: GAME OVER
Christopher Walken - GIGLI and KANGAROO JACK
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Lanie Kazan - GIGLI
Demi Moore - CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE
Kelly Preston - THE CAT IN THE HAT
Brittany Murphy - JUST MARRIED
Tara Reid - MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER
WORST SCREEN COUPLE
Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez - GIGLI
Eric Christian Olsen & Derek Richardson - DUMB AND DUMBERER
Justin Guarini & Kelly Clarkson - FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
Ashton Kutcher & either Brittany Murphy (JUST MARRIED)
or Tara Reid (MY BOSS's DAUGHTER)
Mike Myers & EITHER Thing One OR Thing Two - THE CAT IN THE HAT
WORST EXCUSE for an ACTUAL MOVIE (All Concept/No Content!) (New Category)
2 FAST, 2 FURIOUS
CHARLIE'S ANGLES: FULL THROTTLE
THE CAT IN THE HAT
FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
THE REAL CANCUN
WORST REMAKE or SEQUEL
2 FAST, 2 FURIOUS
CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE
DUMB & DUMBERER: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE
FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY (Remake of WHERE THE BOYS ARE ‘60 and WHERE THE BOYS ARE ‘84)
WORST DIRECTOR
Martin Brest - GIGLI
Robert Iscove - FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
Mort Nathan - BOAT TRIP
The Wachowski Brothers - Both MATRIX Sequels
Bo Welch - THE CAT IN THE HAT
WORST SCREENPLAY
THE CAT IN THE HAT
CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE
DUMB AND DUMBERER
FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
GIGLI
More information on this year's awards can be found at the Razzies official website.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 12:13 PM | Comments
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