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Saturday, January 24, 2004
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 1-24-04
Outrageous budgets, ridiculous casting, returning favorites, oddball casting decisions, the goofiest premise for a cop series I've ever heard, and God help us all because Britney Spears is going to act again! All this and much more in today's loaded update!
Despite the fiasco that was CROSSROADS, Britney Spears is bound and determined to crossover to films. Fox News reported earlier this week that the pop tart has signed on to appear in a future Tim Allen stinker IN THE PINK. Let’s face it. If it isn’t called GALAXY QUEST and it stars Tim Allen then its almost guaranteed to stink. Also, the fact that the movie is about a corporate bigwig that loses his job and finds that the only job he can get is going door to door selling cosmetics, which he proves great at, also tells me this will probably stink. No word on Britney’s role in the movie but she’ll also be joined by Cher, Bette Midler, and Wanda Sykes, all of whom probably aren’t all that picky when it comes to picking movie roles. And is it just me or does the title IN THE PINK sound like a porno movie? All the more appropriate for a Britney Spears movie, I guess. But that’s not all for the 24-hour bride. Spears will also star in a new flick called DOOR TO DOOR, which she’s also producing. It’s based on a book that was published by MTV Books because after all when you think literacy you think MTV. Spears will play a teenage girl from a small Michigan town who moves to Los Angeles where she begins dating a hunky movie star leading to a job working the door at the hottest night club in LA. I’m guess it will end with her learning some lesson about the price of fame and life in the fast lane leading to her moving back home and leading a normal life. That’s how all of these movies end, at least the ones that don’t end with the character getting killed.
In an interview with Moviehole this week, TORQUE mannequin Martin Henderson hinted that he’s had talks with director McG about playing the Man of Steel in the new SUPERMAN, assuming it ever really does get made. Having seen TORQUE let me assure you that Henderson is no last son of Krypton. They could have replaced him with one of the virtual actors from that FINAL FANTASY movie and you wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.
$309 million. Let me repeat that - $309 million. British news sources are reporting that is what the budget will be for HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE, the fourth in the series. I know this franchise is a financial gold mine for Warner Brothers but is it really that profitable to justify a $309 million budget in relation to potential profit margins?
As many of you already know, Steve Martin will be starring as the new Inspector Clouseau in BIRTH OF THE PINK PANTHER. Recent weeks have heard rumors of either Jackie Chan or Chow Yun Fat playing his assistant. Now get this. Radio shock jock Howard Stern is rumored to be up for the role of Claude Balls, the Inspector’s disguise maker. The Claude Balls character is a re-invention of the original series’ Dr. Auguste Balls character is set to be a recurring character should the new movie be successful enough to spawn a new franchise.
Later this year will see the return of Benji so why not bring back Lassie too? According to Variety, Classic Media is pitching a script to many of the major studios based on the 1940 novel LASSIE COME HOME. Last seen on the big screen in a mostly forgettable feature back in 1990, Classic Media hopes to get this new Lassie movie made and in theaters for 2005. Ah, but will Lassie be all CGI? And don’t forget fart jokes. It’s all the rage with kids today, you know?
Also looking to return from pop culture obscurity is Fat Albert. FilmJerk reports that a big screen live action FAT ALBERT is back on track after a dispute between the show’s creator Bill Cosby and the films potential director Forest Whitaker killed the project a while back. While I was a fan of the show as a kid I really have a hard time envisioning this being anything other than GOOD BURGER 2. At least we know that the title character will not be CGI as portly young actor Omar Benson Miller is tapped to star. And don’t forget the fart jokes? It’s all the rage with kids today, you know?
Two movies with massive suck potential have new release dates. Variety reports that MGM’s AMITYVILLE HORROR remake has been pushed from September 3rd of this year to January 14, 2005. Its funny they are scheduling it for a January release since January is traditionally the dumping ground for cinematic crap that the studios don’t think would have stood a chance any other time of year. Also, Marvel is pushing back the big screen MAN-THING movie from August to October to capitalize on Halloween. This is probably a good move since there’s a shortage of Halloween appropriate movie fare scheduled for this October. I just hope they also release the movie to Imax theaters and bill it as GIANT-SIZED MAN THING.
Anyone can direct a movie these days. Stephen Baldwin is anyone. The least of the Baldwin clan and recent loser on Celebrity Mole: Yucatan will make his directorial debut with ROBBIN HOODZ, based on an idea of his own. The plot to the movie, which virtually guaranteed to be a low budget direct to video production, is a closely guarded secret because God forbid anyone steal one of Stephen Baldwin’s ideas. Baldwin did give us a clue in an interview that he envisions the project as a “very street, old school-type skateboarding film.” Umm…yeah! Suddenly I find myself longing for another MOST VALUBLE PRIMATE movie.
Veteran horror movie director Tobe Hooper has cast Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, Amanda Plummer, and MAY star Angela Bettis in his upcoming horror comedy BREW. The film’s co-writer told Fangoria what BREW is about. “Old crazies living in an abandoned brewery, where the beer is made of rat blood. Nick Carter inherits the brewery as a tax deficit, and the place was being used as a theme-park haunted house. So he wants to reopen it. The crazies have been living on rats, but when the young people show up, they’d rather be eating something else…” Hopefully the flying dog from STRANGE BREW will show up and save them?
Is the world ready for a supernatural police show where cops team up with Frankenstein’s monster to battle the forces of evil? The USA Network thinks so. Thanks to a century’s worth of genetic manipulation, Dr. Victor Frankenstein and his monstrous creation are still alive and living in Seattle of all places. Two homicide detectives discover this fact while attempting to sole a murder. Eventually the monster turns on his master and joins up with forces of law and order to defeat Dr. Frankenstein and his newest monstrosities. I swear to God I’m not making any of this up! I’m also not making it up when I tell you that Variety has confirmed that Martin Scorsese is one of the producers of this currently untitled series and best-selling suspense author Dean Koontz is writing the script for the 2-hour pilot episode. So far the USA Network has only committed to the pilot and plan to make it a big event this fall but if it goes over well the intention is to turn it into a weekly series. This is either going to turn out great or will give the second season of Baywatch Nights a run for its money in the supernatural crap department.
Speaking of horrors, Variety also reports that the Seaver Clan is getting back together…again for another Growing Pains reunion movie. The last reunion movie for this bunch was back in 2000 and was a ratings smash for ABC but it took them 3 years to decide on a script for the next because. After all, ABC is the network of quality program so God forbid they produce something crappy. In the new TV movie, the kids are up in arms when the parents decide to sell the house. I can already imagine the sheer number of scenes that will involve Kirk Cameron standing in a room and longing for the past. Considering the state of his acting career he probably does that in real life too.
Heads up! The Sci-Fi Channel premieres another potential stinker from UFO Films tonight. DRAGON STORM deals with medieval times being threatened by dragons from outer space that fall to Earth from meteorites. Think REIGN OF FIRE meets the Society for Creative Anachronism but with 1/1,000th the budget. The movie stars LORD OF THE RINGS John Rhys-Davies and GREASE 2 's Maxwell Caulfield. Sounds like a winner.
Finally today, the first of several updates over the course of the next week at the Schlocktoberfest site beginning with the first of three new Foyeurisms entitled FOYZ TOYZ: ENEMY COMMANDOS. This one is a change of pace as it’s a toy review but then how often does one come across figures for a suicide bomber or a prison escapee with a chainsaw that would make Leatherface envious.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 9:10 AM | Comments
Thursday, January 22, 2004
R.I.P. Ann Miller
One of my favorite classic film actresses / dancers, Ann Miller, has died. Not particularly b-movie related, I know, but I couldn't let it slide by. Miller, who starred alongside Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra, and other musical film legends, was 81.
posted by Christopher 7:02 PM | Comments
THE IS A TEST OF THE UWE BOLL EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM!
Uwe Boll has acquired yet another video game property to transform into a motion picture. The man who brought us HOUSE OF THE DEAD and will soon be bringing us movie versions of the video games ALONE IN THE DARK, BLOODRAYNE, and DUNGEON SIEGE has struck a deal with White Wolf Publishing, the people behind the uber popular VAMPIRE: THE MASQUERADE, for the rights to their video game HUNTER: THE RECKONING. According to the website ReallyScary.com, Boll and White Wolf struck a deal for the German auteur to make a movie based on the popular game of super-powered humans that hunt supernatural monsters that prey on humanity. An excited Boll released a press release regarding the prospects of a HUNTER: THE RECKONING movie. "This game provides a great opportunity to produce an exciting feature film. We look forward to capturing the unique and frightening qualities of Hunter: The Reckoning." If you are a fan of the video game, the role-playing game that inspired it, or any of the novels based on the game then it would now be a good time to weep. I for one am looking forward to seeing what a Uwe Boll BLADE meets VAN HELSING movie will look like. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that he will eventually buy the rights to make big screen versions of BIG MUTHA TRUCKERS, ECCO THE DOLPHIN, THE SIMS, MARBLE MADNESS and DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION ULTRAMIX.
UPDATE!!! Less than 5 minutes after I wrote the above paragraph I came across word that Uwe Boll actually acquired the rights to two games instead of just one. Boll has also acquired the rights to the popular Eidos video game FEAR EFFECT. In the futuristic game, you control one of three mercenaries on a mission to capture the missing daughter of Triad boss Mr. Lam and hold her to ransom for the princely sum of $90 million. The game is influenced and inspired by anime and Hong Kong action movies of the late 80’s/early 90’s and is filled with over-the-top action and stunts.
Boll tells The Hollywood Reporter that the movie versions of HUNTER: THE RECKONING and FEAR EFFECT will have budgets ranging from $15 million-$25 million, which isn’t much when you’re trying to make an action-oriented monster hunting movie or a futuristic action movie based around elaborate stunts. This guy is on the verge of becoming a one-man video game oriented Golan-Globus.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 12:39 AM | Comments
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