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Friday, January 09, 2004
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 1-9-04
Ah, the first full news report of 2004. Time to get things off to a bad start! Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea…let’s go to press!
Move over, Hulk Hogan, there's a new Mr. Nanny in town and his name is Vin Diesel! Seriously, I’m not joking. Vin Diesel has signed on to star in a kiddie action flick called THE PACIFIER. Again, not joking. Diesel will play an undercover agent that screws up while trying to protect a scientist and feels so bad about his mistake that he takes on the duty of being the babysitter for the scientist’s rambunctious kids who prove more than he bargained for. Originally, this movie was going to star Jackie Chan but since Chan has pretty much announced that’s he’s leaving Hollywood to go back to Hong Kong and make movies there from now on the door opened for Diesel to step in and take over. Production on THE PACIFIER begins in April. Humiliation for Vin Diesel begins whenever the movie gets released.
Am I just getting old or do the movies aimed at the tweener generation really and truly suck? Either way, here’s another one that sounds especially lame. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Buffy’s Michelle Trachtenberg has signed on to star in something called THE ICE PRINCESS. It’s about brainy ugly duckling who realizes her dream of becoming a champion figure skater with the help of physics, a disgraced coach, three snooty ice princesses, a chorus of stage parents and the hunky boy who drives the Zamboni ice resurfacing machine. I assume that by “brainy ugly duckling” they plan to have Trachtenberg wear glasses and put her hair in a ponytail or a bun just as all “brainy ugly duckling” types do in the movies before the big scene where she removes her glasses and let’s down her hair to reveal she’s gorgeous. Nope, I’m not getting too old. These movies just suck!
Speaking of tweener flicks, Mandy Moore is going from crappy romantic comedy to possibly crappy thriller with AU PAIR about a teen who takes a job watching the two kids in a seemingly ideal household only to learn that everything in the household isn’t as wholesome as it seems. According to Variety, the movie is going to get both a new title and a completely new script before shooting begins thus begging the question, “What exactly is the point of announcing this then?”
Speaking of script rewrites, Universal has hired Mark Swift and Damian Shannon, the writing team behind JASON VS. FREDDY, to do the umpteenth rewrite of the script for The Rock’s video game adaptation SPY HUNTER. This is probably not a good sign for The Rock’s career since the script to FREDDY VS. JASON was easily that movie's worst element.
UGO did an interview recently with Len Wein, the scribe currently penning the screenplay for a new SWAMP THING movie, who gave us some rather perturbing news regarding the project. Uber producer Joel Silver is producing the movie and apparently he’s insisting on an all-CGI Swamp Thing. Yippee! THE HULK gets wet! Suddenly that MAN-THING movie is looking so much better.
The year is 2004. Is anyone out there really clamoring for a sequel to MIDNIGHT EXPRESS? Well, HIGHLANDER producer Peter Davis certainly thinks so as he told Cinescape that he’s going to produce a sequel to the classic Turkish prison thriller. Entitled ESCAPE, it picks up with the two escapees on the run in Turkey having just escaped from the prison. Umm…didn’t they escape from that prison like, oh say, 20+ years ago? And wasn’t the original based on a true story? Does this man really think anyone will pay to see this? Well, Davis certainly thinks the script is outstanding and it may very well be but the fact that he’s tapped Russell Mulcahey to direct pretty much seals the deal that the movie will not be all that good. Honestly, when was the last time Russell Mulcahey directed a good movie?
Dark Castle has announced their annual Halloween production and this year it will be a remake of HOUSE OF WAX, a movie that has been remade several times before. Even though the movie will be made in 3-D don’t expect to confuse this one with the classic 3-D Vincent Price version. “A group of friends on their way to a college football game falls prey to a pair of murderous brothers in an abandoned small town. They discover that the brothers have expanded upon the area’s main attraction – the House of Wax – and created an entire town filled with the wax-coated corpses of unlucky visitors. Now the group must find a way out before they too become permanent exhibits in the House of Wax.” Hopefully the use of 3-D in this will be a hell of a lot better than it was in the terminally mediocre SPY KIDS 3-D.
Two release dates to tell you about. Columbia has announced that STARSHIP TROOPERS 2: HERO OF THE FEDERATION will hit video store shelves on April Fool’s Day. For some reason that sounds rather appropriate. I just have a hard time believing that a low budget direct to video sequel to that movie could possibly turn out good since the highlight of the original was the amazing $100 million special effects. And Warner Brothers announced a July 30 release date for its upcoming CATWOMAN so you now have several months to plan ahead to be busy doing something else on that particular day.
Here’s one that could go either way. Moviehole reports that PITCH BLACK 's Cole Hauser will star in CAVE, about a group of expert cave explorers who go for a deep sea ocean dive to explore a cave. While on the expedition, the cave collapses, leaving the team stranded. By the time they are discovered, they have all mysteriously mutated into primeval beings. As I said, that could turn out to be good or bad. I’ll reserve judgment until I find out more about it.
Here’s something that sounds like a sick joke but apparently it is true. According to the web site Comics2Film, Warner Brothers Animation is about to begin work on a new children’s animated series based around Krypto, Superman’s dog. Yeah, the flying dog with supercanine powers that DC Comics once saddled the Man of Steel with to the dismay of millions. No word yet on what channel this show will air on as of this time. Also no word yet as to whether or not Krypto will wear a cape as he did in many of the comics. Oooh, we can only hope!
Remember that movie CURSE OF THE KOMODO I’ve been telling you about and how I was hoping it would turn out good? Well, you can forget it. The movie will make it’s world premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel on Saturday, February 21st and I think we all know nothing good ever comes from the Sci-Fi Channel’s Saturday Night Premieres. Speaking of which…
This Saturday night on the Sci-Fi Channel marks the world premiere of DARK WATERS, the first JAWS-knock off from UFO Films. The movie stars TV’s Renegade, former "Am I Hot?" judge, and serial divorcee Lorenzo Lamas and let’s be honest, the man is David Hasselhoff minus the kitsch value. At least the mention of Hasselhoff’s name can bring a smile to your face as opposed to the mention of Lamas’ which usually results in the kind of sneer you make upon smelling something really bad. I don’t know about you but I’m getting all sharked out. How about a killer swordfish movie instead? Big killer starfish! That would be different for a change, right? Sigh. DARK WATERS premieres Saturday, January 10, at 9PM & 1AM ET/PT and if you miss it the first two times then you can catch it again on Thursday, January 15, at 9PM ET/PT. If you miss all of these Sci-Fi Channel showings, don’t despair because the uncut version of the movie will hit video store shelves on March 2nd. Think of it as DEEP BLUE SEA with about 1/50th the budget and probably 50 times the crappiness.
Quoting Sci-Fi Wire: “Lord of the Rings stars Elijah Wood and Dominic Monaghan will be celebrity monarchs in big New Orleans Carnival parades before the Feb. 24 Mardis Gras celebration, the Associated Press reported. Wood will be riding in the Sunday night parade of the Krewe of Bacchus, and Monaghan will be with the Krewe of Orpheus, the Monday night parade founded by singer Harry Connick Jr.” Okay folks, come on down to the French Quarter this Mardi Gras if you want to see two Hobbits puking drunk!
Finally today, you can check out my Creature Corner review for a new direct-to-video monster movie called VICIOUS that is without question one of the worst direct-to-video monster movies I’ve ever had the displeasure of sitting through. Warning: the review itself is quite vicious! Read it if you dare by clicking here.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 9:08 AM | Comments
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
THIS IS A TEST OF THE UWE BOLL EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM!
Uwe Boll proudly announced on Monday in Variety that he has in fact raised $47 million to make feature film versions of the video games BLOODRAYNE and DUNGEON SIEGE, which his production company owns the film rights to. Apparently the $47 million is to pay for both films so don't expect either to be big budget productions. Boll was recently quoted in an interview talking about his vision for BLOODYRAYNE stating that he would like to make it in the same vein as Tim Burton's SLEEPY HOLLOW. Oh dear! Keep in mind this is coming from the same man who considers HOUSE OF THE DEAD a zombie classic. Now in addition to this year's ALONE IN THE DARK, it looks like we have two more potential classics in the works from this auteur.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are officially at CODE ORANGE! Take the necessary precautions!
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 6:44 AM | Comments
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