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Saturday, January 03, 2004
SLINKY: THE MOTION PICTURE
No, this is not a joke. The world famous coiled spring toy is about to become a computer animated movie along the lines of TOY STORY. The movie is tentatively titled SLINKY: THE MAGIC QUILT (Ugh! What a terrible title!) is set to be completed in time for 2005, which coincidentally happens to be the 60th anniversary of the toy. Quoting the film’s director Henrique Vera-Villanueva, a former Venezuelan child star turned president and CEO of H2V Entertainment, "We are creating a completely imaginary, full world all based on the Slinky. It's a bunch of characters, some of them new, such as the Slinky scarecrow and the Slinky robot, some based on the property known as the Slinky Pets." Wait a minute! Slinky scarecrow? There’s a Slinky scarecrow? When did this come out? "We're using bigger Slinkys, small Slinkys. The coil is not going to be in the same place in all the animals.” Somehow that last part sounds dirty to me. "The main character is a big Indiana Jones-type Slinky," says Vera-Villanueva, whose idol is director Tim Burton. "This character is on an adventurous quest, but it's a character-driven film, like Ice Age." Again, I swear this is not a joke. This has actually been reported on in USA Today. Personally, I think it should be about a gigantic monolithic Slinky from space that crashes to Earth on top of Mount Everest and proceeds to slink down the mountain gathering speed as it goes eventually becoming an unstoppable perpetual force destroying everything in its way. A Slinky movie? What’s next? How about a terrifying nature run amok movie version of HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS ?
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 10:12 PM | Comments
Thursday, January 01, 2004
24 FOR '04
With the movie year of 2003 over and the hype for 2004 having already begun and speaking as someone who has sat through some of the absolute worst dreck Hollywood has unleashed upon the movie going public in the past 12 months, I would like to take this opportunity to share with you some of my personal movie related wishes for the year to come. Some deal with trends I've grown to hate and some deal with specific personalities within the entertainment industry. Here are my 24 wishes for the movie year of 2004 in no particular order:
Could someone in Hollywood come up with an original idea? How many more unnecessary remakes and big screen versions of video games and old TV shows are we going to be subjected to? If three hour plus movies about hobbits and wizards can be critical and financial blockbusters and Mel Gibson can make a movie about Jesus in a dead language and have it hailed by many as a work of art then surely its high time for Hollywood to get off their creative asses and show some freaking ambition. And just because it made money doesn’t mean people are clamoring for more. There was no reason to make a sequel to TOMB RAIDER and there’s no excuse for BABY GENIUSES 2 or anymore HIGHLANDER movies to exist. Sigh, I’ll probably sit through them anyway.
No more Dr. Seuss movies ever! I do not want to see Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez starring in GREEN EGGS AND HAM. I do not want to see HORTON HEARS A WHO starring Anthony Anderson. I do not want to watch a HOP ON POP movie starring Dakota Fanning, Billy Bob Thornton and directed by Larry Clark! Hmmm…well, maybe I would be perversely curious about that last one.
I used to look forward to sitting through the previews before the movie. Now most of the time I dread it because I know there are going to be commercials and in some instances public service announcements and its going to take forever. I clocked 26 minutes worth of commercials and trailers before RETURN OF THE KING and almost half of it was commercials for stuff like BOD body spray and Levis jeans. That’s 26 minutes in addition to the 200-minute running time of the movie itself. That’s inexcusable. Jesus Christ, when there’s a sixty second PSA for the Volunteers of America running before THE TRANSPORTER you know its gotten out of hand. Hell, its gotten to the point that when the movie actually begins I’ll joke aloud, “Cool, we get to watch a movie too!” Time to limit the pre-show to 15 minutes at the absolute maximum.
Speaking of crap that runs before the movie, do we really need to sit through a 30-60 second commercial promoting the theater chain itself? I have chosen to give you money to sit in one of your seats in one of your theaters to watch a movie on one of your movie screens and I’m doing so while most likely holding the overpriced snacks I bought from your snack bar. Why do I have to sit through a commercial putting yourself over and trying to sell me on the experience I’ve already paid you for? Just stop it! Maybe this is just a pet peeve of mine but I find these spots really irritating.
Jon Peters – Sooner or later Satan is going to want to collect on that immortal soul you owe him. Hopefully 2004 will be that year.
Michael Eisner – Two words: early retirement. All good things come to an end. Other things need to be put out of their misery. Either way, it’s time for some new blood running the House of Mouse and no, that doesn’t mean putting the seventy year old man who hired you in the first place back in charge.
Miramax – You insist on continuously scooping up the rights to Asian movies to either remake or release in the US but then you never do either. Where is SHAOLIN SOCCER anyway? If and when you do finally release them they are usually butchered, poorly dubbed, and have their soundtrack replaced with hip-hop music. For crying out loud, how can a studio that is nothing short of superb at buying themselves prestigious awards be this inept at doing something that even Sony of all studios tends to get right? The point is to make money right? Let my movies go!
To the people who cut movie trailers, DO NOT USE “LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR” IN A TRAILER EVER AGAIN!!! I’m sure we can all think of other songs that have been grossly overused in movie trailers but that one in particular has more than worn out its welcome.
Michael Bay – Some people love you and some people hate you. So be it. All I want for you to do in the coming year is learn the meaning of two words – restraint and subtlety. Do not be afraid of these two words. These two words cannot harm you. In fact, you may actually be shocked how much those two words could help you as a filmmaker.
Marvel – Every comic book character does not deserve a movie or television show of its own. When Mort, the Dead Teenager is getting turned into a feature film and Night Thrasher has a potential television series in development it becomes painfully obvious that you’re just milking it. Mr. Arad, you’re setting yourself up for major burnout on comic properties and since its Marvel leading this boom it could very well come back to haunt you. On the other hand, if you ever decide to make SPEEDBALL: THE MOVIE starring Paul Walker I’ll be the first in line.
Toho – 2004 is Godzilla’s 50th anniversary. You’ve become to Godzilla what Warner Brothers has been to comic book movies and Rick Berman has become to Star Trek. You say you’re planning a “super epic” with 10 different monsters so clearly you’re showing more ambition than usual this year. Now how about actually making it a Godzilla flick that truly is something special and not just another rush job designed to give you a holiday cash cow? Oh, and don’t bother telling everyone it’s the final Godzilla movie again. You’ve already played that card more than once.
Jennifer Love Hewitt – The Fox Network or the WB Network, pick one. I’m sure they’d be more than happy to give you a sitcom. Face it, the movie thing just isn’t working out. Of course, there’s always Playboy. I think we all know that’s long overdue for you.
Cuba Gooding Jr. – I know it’s politically incorrect to call for the lynching of a black man but this has nothing to do with skin color. Either you or your agent or both of you, I don’t know for sure, but somebody deserves a serious beating.
Michael Keaton – Where have you been for so long? LIVE FROM BAGHDAD helped remind everyone what a tremendous actor you are. All is forgiven for JACK FROST and DESPERATE MEASURES and we’re even willing to overlook your part in the upcoming FIRST DAUGHTER. It is high time for you to get back to being the great versatile actor we all know you can be. And when you come back, how about bringing John Saxon with you? He's also due for a comeback.
Is it too much to ask for movie studios to start hiring film editors who don’t suffer from ADD? There was a time when rapid fire editing was novel and it still can be used properly but far too many movies these days seem more like a collection of split-second images stitched together. Call me old-fashioned but there’s something to be said for editing where the average shot lasts longer than 1/10th of a second. If this keeps up then in a few years the movies are going to whiz before our eyes so fast they’re going to be subliminal.
Eddie Murphy – Remember when you were funny? You’ve seemingly become Chevy Chase only you’re still employable. I’m glad you’ve rejuvenated your career with your descent into Bill Cosby territory but now its time to return to your roots by making something for us adults who still remember the Eddie of old and I don’t mean BEVERLY HILLS COP 4 either.
Ron Howard – Just stay away from Westerns altogether, okay?
Enough already with the uber long movie titles! It’s bad enough that the movies keep getting longer and longer but must the titles also be a mile long too? I understand why the LORD OF THE RINGS movies have long titles but what’s the excuse for titles like PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL THAT WENT UP A HILL BUT CAME DOWN A MOUNTAIN?
And while we’re on the subject of movie titles, enough with the cheesy acronyms! It seemed cool when there was T3 and ID4 but the moment THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN got turned into LXG it officially became unhip and is now just an obnoxious marketing trend.
Roland Emmerich and Stephen Sommers – For the love of God, stop insisting on writing your own scripts! There are these people in Hollywood called screenwriters. Perhaps you’ve heard of them? These people are hired to write screenplays. They are professionals. Many of them are really talented when given the opportunity. You can have a say in the creative process but leave the bulk of the work to writers far more talented than you two.
M. Night Shyamalan – So far you’ve made a ghost movie, a superhero movie, an alien invasion movie, and your next movie clearly has supernatural and possibly monstrous overtones. No matter how you spin it those are genre movies. You are a genre director. Quit trying to deny it! When THE VILLAGE comes out I don’t want to see or read any interviews where you attempt to avoid being labeled as such. It doesn’t help the plight of genre films getting respect from many within the Hollywood establishment when a filmmaker as talented and respected for his works as yourself recoils in horror at the thought of ever wearing the label of “genre director” so knock it off. And no more references to being the next Hitchcock. That’s Brian DePalma’s schtick.
Uwe Boll – Don’t listen to the naysayers. Just keep doing what you’re doing. Every generation needs an Ed Wood and you are off to one hell of a start.
My fellow movie geeks, while many have declared RETURN OF THE KING the Oscar frontrunner don't be shocked if it doesn’t win Best Picture. This is the same Academy that is notoriously biased against fantasy, science fiction, action movies, and comedies. The original KING KONG, THE WIZARD OF OZ, 2001, THE EXORCIST, JAWS, STAR WARS, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, ET, and both of the previous LORD OF THE RINGS movies didn’t win so it’s kind of hard to imagine they’re suddenly going to buck that trend this year. If it happens, I’m sure we’ll all cheer in unison. If it doesn’t, let’s at least try to act civilized. No need to go rioting and looting in the streets while repeatedly screaming “No Oscar, No peace!”
God – In the past 12 months you’ve taken Gregory Peck, Bob Hope, Mr. Rogers, Charles Bronson, and Johnny Cash just to name a few yet Carrot Top, Rob Schneider, Jerry O’ Connell, Stephen Baldwin, and many others we could all name are still amongst us. Why must you be such a cruel god? For the coming year, could you take a few of the hacks and give some of the legends a reprieve instead?
There you have it, folks. I doubt any of these will come true but a man can dream can’t he?
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 8:17 AM | Comments
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
R.I.P. Anita Mui
According to a Reuters report, Hong Kong pop star and actress Anita Mui has died from cervical cancer. Mui starred in such HK action favorites as Heroic Trio, Excecutioners, and Rumble in the Bronx. Mui was 40 years old; her career spanned 20 years and over 40 films.
posted by Christopher 8:05 AM | Comments
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