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Wednesday, December 24, 2003
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 12-25-03
Twas the night before Christmas and all over the net came word of came word of Hollywood’s future, well, mostly the dreck!
Ironically, more news broke in the last 48 hours regarding the Santa slasher movie SANTA’S SLEIGH starring Bill Goldberg as a psycho Santa. For starters, the title is actually SANTA’S SLAY and it isn’t a slasher movie but in fact a horror comedy that reveals the horrible truth that Santa Claus has always been Satan in disguise because he lost a bet with one of the angels. Quoting Variety's description of the plot: “Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Claus has come to town. However, he’s no longer spreading yuletide cheer…just holiday fear! “Santa’s Slay” is a fast paced action-horror film with tongue in cheek comedy, which casts everybody’s favorite holiday figure in a different and sinister light. Our hero, Nicholas, learns the terrifying truth about ol’ St. Nick from his eccentric grandfather.” Well, this certainly has the possibility to be an all-time bad movie especially since they cast WWE wrestler (Well, he may not be working there much longer.) Bill Goldberg as Satan Claus. Hell, this might even top SANTA WITH MUSCLES!
I guess this means he won’t have to worry about ever being cast to star in a Donny Osmond biopic either? MSNBC and Dark Horizons both report that Val Kilmer won’t be starring in THE PROPHET: THE STORY OF JOSEPH SMITH, a biopic about the founder of the Mormon religion. Utah-based Zion Films, who were producing the film, dumped potential star Val Kilmer due to being displeased with Kilmer’s real life image of being a ladies man and a potential nutjob. This seems kind of odd since Joseph Smith had a reputation for being a bit of a nutty ladies man too but that might have just been that South Park episode from a few weeks back. Oh well, perhaps the Church of Latter-Day Saints should give Kirk Cameron a call. I’m sure he could use the work.
Good news for bad movie fans. Despite HOUSE OF THE DEAD being a monumental fiasco, Dark Horizons reports that Uwe Boll’s BLOODRAYNE movie is still a go. Let’s see if that’s still the case after ALONE IN THE DARK comes out.
Looks like there may not be a KNIGHT RIDER movie anytime soon. Counting Down received the following info regarding the project: “It appears David Hasselhoff has given up on the Knight Rider movie that was planned for 2004. E-mails to his website, and to Revolution Studios regarding the movie, are now ignored. Hasselhoff is currently in Europe promoting his new music album, which is released in February next year. As a result, he has a schedule of at least six months promoting/touring his new album. This hardly seems like the correct attitude for an Executive Producer that was stating that in the Summer of 2004 he would bring Knight Rider back to the screens. I hope I am wrong, but the complete lack of information from Hasselhoff himself suggests otherwise.” Considering the two names discussed to be potential stars of the big screen adaptation were Vin Diesel and Ashton Kutcher this is probably a good thing after all.
Ain’t It Cool News has two interesting stories up about two big movies coming next summer that seem a might on the troubled side. Well, actually one seems a might troubled and the other appears to be a complete disaster to the point that the studio is in full-fledged panic mode. You can read all about the technical problems plaguing ALIEN VS. PREDATOR here and the epic catastrophe in the making that CATWOMAN appears to be here.
Nu Image, the fine folks responsible for the OCTOPUS films and other modern classics, have another giant snake movie in the works to debut sometime next year on the Sci-Fi Channel starring Stephen “BIO-DOME” Baldwin and Greg “DEEP STAR SIX” Evigan. Surely these are the end times! SNAKE KING is said to be an adventure story about an Amazon expedition consisting of a group of scientists led by Stephen Baldwin (Him playing a scientist? Ha!) in search of a mysterious plant that holds the key to longevity. However, the explorers end up stumbling upon a secret tribe of Amazonian natives and the giant seven-headed snake they worship. And if you want to know what kind of top flight production this is going to be, all of the natives from this secret tribe will be played by white actors with a cat-like costumes and make-up to match. The film’s make-up artist was asked about the origin of the strange make-up the tribe wears in the movie and he replied, "I was inspired by that Brazilian tribe, the...the...well the name starts with C." One of the Caucasian actors playing one of the South American Indians said that the language they speak in the movie doesn’t actually exist so they just made it all up every time they spoke. Yep, sounds like yet another fine production from Nu Image. Its also said that the same film crew will return to Bahia, where SNAKE KING is actually being filmed in place of the actual Amazon, this February to begin work on another 2004 Sci-Fi Pictures original, SHARKMAN. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
Speaking of big things that slither, it appears Jim Wynorski is following up CURSE OF THE KOMODO with another monstrous animal movie entitled IT WAITS BELOW. This one deals with a giant mutated Moray eel. The film will star pint-sized soap stud and ex-Baywatch lifeguard Billy Warlock. I hope he saved his Baywatch uniform. According to IMDB, IT WAITS BELOW is listed as a TV movie so I wouldn't be shocked to see this debut on the Sci-Fi Channel sometime next year. At the very least we can only hope its better than DEEP SHOCK. Lord knows it would be hard to be worse than that dreadful flick.
Guess who’s coming back to television? If you said ALF then you are correct! ALF's Hit Talk Show, starring the sarcastic puppet voiced by Paul Fusco, is a new series in development for Nick at Nite. Quoting Yahoo News, “The gabfest is part of an effort by the Nickelodeon and TV Land channels (both owned by media giant Viacom) to garner a more adult audience in the post-kiddie viewing hours.” Expect the show to debut in early 2004. All I know is that this could be a lot of fun along the lines of Space Ghost: Coast To Coast or one of the most annoying talk shows of all time. Either way it will still probably be better than Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Finally today, what with it being Christmas and all, you can read my retro-review of the all-time classic bad holiday horror movie ELVES at Creature Corner right now. If you’ve never seen or heard of this movie then you truly need to know about it. It is a bad movie must. And since its only really relevant for another 24 hours, you can still check out my December Foyeurism column running down the worst Christmas movie of all time. You can check LUMPS OF COAL out at the Schlocktoberfest site.
Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukah! Kick Ass Kwanzaa!
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 9:40 PM | Comments
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