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Saturday, November 08, 2003
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 11-08-03
Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea...we've got a ton of news to catch up on so let's go to press!
Wild rumor #1 – Dark Horizons reports a rumor that after completing work on VAN HELSING, writer/director Stephen Sommers will make another big screen version of FLASH GORDON. If true, it just won’t be the same without a soundtrack by Queen.
Wild Rumor #2 – The Z Review reports hearing a rumor that The Rock may be up for the title role of Prince Namor in a big screen version of Marvel’s SUB-MARINER. From Daniel Day Lewis to The Rock, I don’t think so.
Wild Rumor #3 – Cinescape reports that Michael Bay’s production company, the same one responsible for the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake, is toying with the idea of possibly remaking HALLOWEEN. Of course, anything involving the franchise requires the approval of HALLOWEEN czar Moustapha Akkad. Just as he did with the potential Michael Myers/Pinhead crossover movie we can only hope he puts his foot down again.
Wild Rumor #4 – Okay, this one is just too funny. According to NW Magazine, Demi Moore is going to produce a live-action BARBIE movie. Yes, as in the Barbie doll. Well, I do believe Demi Moore knows a thing or two about artificial anatomy. Maybe Ashton Kutcher can play the anatomically incorrect Ken.
Remember in a previous report where I mentioned how well THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN was doing overseas? Well, guess what is reportedly going to get a sequel? Yep, reports are surfacing that LXG 2 is going to be filmed in Australia where the movie has been a big hit. Moviehole reports that Peta Wilson, who played vampires Mina Harker, will be the only returning actor from the original with all the other roles being re-cast. First of all, I have a hard time actually believing this but if it is true you can guarantee it will have a very low budget compared to the original and probably go straight to video stateside.
According to SciFi Wire, producer Brian Grazer is already preparing to make a sequel to this month’s THE CAT IN THE HAT. While there’s no doubt the movie will make big money at the box office, Universal is rumored to be less than happy with the finished product as “Shitty Kitty” has reportedly become the nickname for the film within the studio.
Brian Grazer is still not finished unleashing cinematic horrors upon humanity. The uber-producer also told SciFi Wire that he’ll be producing a new version of the science fiction classic THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN only this version will be a comedy starring Eddie Murphy. Here’s the premise for the remake in Grazer’s own words. “[They] had a genius idea as to what the occupation of the guy should be. He's going to be a Las Vegas magician. It's so great, because what happens is he's that bigger-than-life [persona]. It's Eddie with an attitude. It's not happy Eddie. It's Eddie with his edgy attitude, being like David Copperfield or David Blaine... But he's somehow been relegated to do the day show, like babysitting kids. And he's pissed. When Murphy's character begins shrinking, the audience believed that that was part of the show. So you get to have a reality where everyone's going, 'He shrunk himself, screw him. You're on Leno? Bullsh-t. You shrunk yourself. You're promoting yourself.' And he's going, 'Get me out of here.’” There is simply no human being walking the planet strong enough to possibly hit this man hard enough to make him realize just how lame that idea really is. That’s the premise for a skit on a sketch comedy show, not a movie. Maybe next Grazer will propose a remake of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL as a comedy about a guy who somehow stops time and can’t start it back up again. I know. I shouldn’t give them any more bad ideas. Nonetheless, filming begins on THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN remake this March.
More sequel news: In an interview with CHUD, Jason Statham confirmed a sequel is in the works to his cult action flick THE TRANSPORTER. Hopefully the sequel won’t fall apart in the third act like the original one did. Unfortunately, Miramax has confirmed that they are currently trying to decide between two scripts for HIGHLANDER: THE SOURCE. If ever there was a franchise that had long since worn out its welcome it’s the HIGHLANDER franchise. Spoke too soon. According to Dark Horizons, Jerry Zucker confirmed on a Dallas radio station SCARY MOVIE 4 is going to happen after the record breaking opening for the third film. I miss the NAKED GUN movies. At least those were funny. Sigh.
Are you ready for not one but two AMITYVILLE HORROR flicks? According to Variety, one week after MGM announced they would co-produce a remake with Michael Bay’s production company (Them again?), Dimension acquired rights to the life story of George Lutz, the man who lived in the famous haunted house in Long Island, NY and experienced the supernatural happenings attributed to the murder of the entire family that previously occupied the house. Dimension bought the rights from Nu Image (WTF?!?! The same Nu Image responsible for the SHARK ATTACK and OCTOPUS movies?) and already has a completed script set 25 years after Lutz family fled the premises. Don’t expect a lawsuit because the events surrounding the house are considered public domain and MGM only owns remake to the story told in the original film and Dimension is planning their own take on the story. I still wouldn’t be shocked to see a lawsuit of sorts happen before it’s all said and done. Dimension is reportedly already talking to a well-known horror director to shoot the film in time for an early summer release next year. According to Miramax/Dimension kingpin Harvey Weinstein, their main concern isn't beating MGM to theaters but rather getting the movie out before the summer 2004 blockbusters. And if you believe that then I’d love to sell you some ocean front property in Nebraska. And be honest, was the AMITYVILLE HORROR really all that great to begin with?
In yet more proof that Hollywood is creatively bankrupt, Creature Corner reports the unfortunate news that MGM is tinkering with the idea of remaking THE HOWLING. At this rate they’ll be remaking TROLL within 3 years.
Those of you anticipating the DIE ANOTHER DAY/James Bond spin-off based around Halle Berry’s Jinx character will be waiting an eternity since the movie has been officially cancelled. Variety report reports that despite keen interest from long-standing 007 producers Barbara Broccoli and Michael Wilson, the lion head studio told the pair's Eon Productions to put the film on ice and press ahead with the next James Bond flick. Eon is apparently quite upset about all this. I can assure them that few others are. Now if only someone had pulled the plug on that CATWOMAN movie nobody wants.
Disney issued a statement disputing reports of the plug being pulled on the Ben Affleck romantic comedy GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST. The official studio line is that the movie is being put on hold due to casting issues surrounding the other roles in the film. We’ll see about that.
Moving onto video/DVD news, at long last Tim Burton’s masterpiece ED WOOD will finally be getting the special edition DVD treatment. The loaded, and I do mean loaded, disc will include a new anamorphic widescreen transfer and Dolby Digital 5.1 audio; audio commentary by Burton, actor Martin Landau, screenwriters Scott Alexander and Larry Karazewski, costume designer Colleen Atwood and cinematographer Stefan Czapsky; deleted scenes; a documentary; featurettes on the music, Rick Baker’s Oscar-winning makeup, the production design and real-life cross-dressers talking about Ed Wood; an original music video directed by Burton and choreographer Toni Basil; and the theatrical trailer. Did you get all that? You can get it for yourself for around $29.99 when it’s released on February 3rd, 2004.
Here’s one to keep an eye out for when it hits video stores this April. ALIEN 51 – a circus owner captures biologically engineered alien offspring with the intent of using them to reverse his show’s sagging fortunes. The film, coming to us from York Entertainment who themselves have quite a reputation for releasing some really crappy direct-to-video horror/sci-fi movies, should also stand out because of the film’s name star, a certain ex-Hollywood Madame named Heidi Fleiss. I guess she’s no longer under house arrest? Needless to say the movie will not co-star Tom Sizemore. Hopefully Madame Fleiss will prove a better actor than Tonya Harding and Joey Buttafuoco did in their attempts to cash in on their infamy.
In television news, British Newspaper The Sun reports that the BBC is really keen on getting Rowan Atkinson to star in the title role of the new Dr. Who series. A spokesperson for Atkinson says it all depends on his film schedule and right now he’s about to begin work on a sequel to his hit film BEAN. He’d definitely make an interesting Doctor. Also, a site called scifi2k reports that there will be a new version of the 60's series UFO. Unfortunately, the people behind the mediocre Poltergeist: The Legacy series will be involved.
The first cancellations of the fall season are coming about. UPN has put their white trash comedy The Mullets “on hiatus” but we all know what that really means. NBC pulled the plug on the controversial sitcom Coupling, which was supposed to be the new Friends, and Boomtown, much to the displeasure of the series loyal fans. ABC has officially ceased production on the recently revamped and retitled LA Dragnet so I guess Ed O’Neil can now go forth and make SOCCER MUMMY as prophesized on The Simpsons. Fox canned their much hyped drama series porn themed Skin (aka “His father is the district attorney!”) after it bombed so badly in the ratings upon debuting it actually prompted an emergency meeting of the network’s top brass. And in what should come as a shock to no one, the WB has officially cancelled the new, modernized, WB’ized Tarzan. Don’t be surprised to see Fox yank the terminally mediocre Tru Calling off the schedule real soon. Not only is the show doing poorly in the ratings, the network execs reportedly hate the show which is why they gave it the timeslot of death opposite Friends and Survivor.
Now here’s some truly wacky news. According to the Hollywood Reporter, actor Judge Reinhold (Remember him? The dorky cop from the BEVERLY HILLS COPS films? Yeah, him!) and his wife Amy have formed their own production company and begun work on a documentary about the legendary Bigfoot, specifically the Bigfoot hoax. The couple acquired the rights to the life story of Ray Wallace, the man who supposedly was the first to get the myth started by using large wooden feet to create the beast’s footprints and who continued the hoax for over 40 years through faked photos and false sightings. When Wallace died in November 2002, his family went public claiming it was all a hoax. Judge Reinhold will appear in the movie himself. Hold on a minute! What the hell do they mean hoax? First Nessie’s a fraud and now Bigfoot? Dammit! What’s next? They gonna try and tell me the chupacabra is all a work of fiction?
Speaking of the goatsucker, the newest Foyeurism is up at the Schlocktoberfest site (assuming you missed out on the Halloween Horror Quiz) as I take aim at an especially awful little ditty called EL CHUPACABRA. I am 100% convinced this film features the worst attempts at acting ever put to film. At least it’s the worst I’ve ever seen in a semi-professional production. Ironically, this production comes courtesy of the fine folks at York Entertainment who I’ve already mentioned once before in this news report. Expect my much awaited HOUSE OF THE DEAD review and the long overdue Schlocktoberfest 2003: Schlock & Awe recap real soon. Hopefully.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 7:09 AM | Comments
Friday, November 07, 2003
The San Francisco Underground Short Film Festival - November 8
From their official web site:
Midnight Mass in association with Peaches Christ and Vinsantos present the San Francisco Underground Short Film Festival. Join us for a brand new program! Enjoy midnight movies, b-films, high art, cult cinema, drive-in trash, and the ultra outrageous in fifteen minutes or less. We present a cavalcade of Midnight Shorts all made by Bay Area Filmmakers. Dress up fancy! Meet the filmmakers! Stalk the Stars! Bring your mother!
NOVEMBER 8th, 2003 - midnight
Bridge Theatre
3010 Geary Blvd (at Blake Street)
Phone: 415.751.3213
Admission: $8
posted by Christopher 12:39 PM | Comments
Thursday, November 06, 2003
A FOYWONDER SPECIAL REPORT FOR 11-06-03
THIS IS A TEST OF THE UWE BOLL EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM!
It seems there just isn’t any stopping Uwe Boll. Yes, Uwe Boll, the Germanic lovechild of Ed Wood and Albert Pyun who has somehow found his way to your local multiplex... Remember this name because we're going to be hearing a lot more of it in the near future. Fortunately, I will be here to warn you.
Since in the end HOUSE OF THE DEAD will apparently be considered a success somehow, most likely thanks to overseas markets, Mr. Boll will continue to get funding for his video game to movie projext. In fact, he’s already adding yet another video game movie to his resume. In addition to currently working on an adaptation of the game ALONE IN THE DARK and also owning the rights to the game BLOODRAYNE, something called SneakPeek CA reports that Boll’s production company has signed a deal to bring Microsoft/Gas Powered Games' RPG DUNGEON SIEGE to the big screen. Oh boy! We’ve seen what the man does with zombies now can you imagine what Uwe Boll’s vision for a LORD OF THE RINGS style fantasy will be like? More importantly, will he actually dare to leave “RPG” in the title when it goes big screen? I bet he ends up just remaking it HOUSE OF THE DEAD style but with a bunch of “cool” role players who somehow end fighting for their lives inside an actual dungeon loaded with real monsters. Or maybe it will all start with a rave set in a dungeon?
But the Uwe Boll express doesn’t stop there! Artisan has confirmed the release date for HOUSE OF THE DEAD on video/DVD will be January 27, 2004. And the great news is that the “Special Edition” DVD will be loaded with extras galore. The DVD will feature the film in both widescreen and 5.1 presentation and toss in some junk like featurettes on the effects, making of, a still gallery, some trailers, and who knows what else. Most importantly, the DVD will sport audio commentary by director Uwe Boll (who only speaks limited broken English mind you) and screenwriter Mark Altman (who would be better off pretending he doesn’t speak the language right about now). Perhaps now we may actually get some clue as to just what in the hell was going through their minds when making this crapapalooza, if anything. That should definitely be a hoot and half. And hopefully my review of the movie will finished before January 27th as well.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 10:54 AM | Comments
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