|
Friday, October 24, 2003
THE FOYWONDER'S SCHLOCK REPORT FOR 10-24-03
Sequels nobody wants, remakes nobody needs, Affleck's got problems, a swamp monster has a date, and Jim Carrey is Steve Austin (and I don't mean Stone Cold either)! It's all in today's Schlock Report!
We begin with something utterly comedic. Paul Shrader was hired to direct a prequel to THE EXORCIST. The movie traces the story of Father Merrin back to his first encounter with the devil in Africa. Paul Shrader, who is known for making arty film, reportedly made the movie particularly arty. The producers, who knowingly hired a director known for making arty movies, were not happy that the director made an arty movie and essentially sent Shrader home packing. Reportedly the producers wanted something that was less arty, a bit scarier, a lot gorier, and possibly featured some projectile vomit. Today Variety reports that the producers have hired Renny Harlin “to save” the production and have given him an extra $8 million to do so. Renny Harlin is not known for making arty pictures.
Because you demanded it, Sandra Bullock has committed to star in and produce a sequel to MISS CONGENIALITY set to begin filming this March. I don’t see how you can really pull this premise off a second time. Heck, it wasn’t particularly amusing the first time around. Maybe she can go undercover at the Miss Black America pageant? Yeah, there you go. It can be like MISS CONGENIALITY spliced with that C. Thomas Howell comedy from the 80’s called SOUL MAN. I'm sure that would get Jessie Jackson to start coming up with words that rhyme with "Bullock."
According to the Hollywood Reporter, the big screen version of Marvel Comics’ MAN-THING will open in theaters on August 27, 2004. Yes, I’m shocked to hear this thing is actually getting a theatrical release. Considering Artisan is releasing the movie and they actually gave HOUSE OF THE DEAD a theatrical release I guess I really shouldn’t be shocked that MAN-THING is going to get one.
Another day, another unnecessary remake. Or in this case three unnecessary remakes. First up, Creature Corner reports that a remake is in the works of the Jamie Lee Curtis non-HALLOWEEN slasher flick PROM NIGHT. Apparently the movie will have so little in common with the original that the only reason for using the PROM NIGHT moniker is for marketing purposes. Umm…since when does the PROM NIGHT franchise name have any market value? I mean, does HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT 2 ring a bell? Sorry, but there’s no milk left in this cow.
I did say there were two remakes to speak of and the other is even harder to comprehend. Remember the amusing yet instantly forgettable 1987 Bruce Willis/Kim Basinger comedy BLIND DATE? Yeah, someone’s actually planning a remake of it. No, I don’t know why but it’s being produced by Revolution Studios and we all know they’ll produce anything. Using my crystal ball, I predict the new version will probably star Ashton Kutcher or Seann William Scott and either Britney Spears or Tera Reid. Personally, I’d much rather see a remake of the 1984 Italian thriller BLIND DATE where Timothy Bottoms played a blind guy who had a state of the art Walkman that gave him the ability to see via sonar and found himself having to stop a serial killer who murdered Counselor Troi all the while banging a coked out Kirstie Alley. Admit it, that last sentence is going to send a lot of you to IMDB to look this movie up.
And HERBIE, THE LOVE BUG is due for another remake with the title care being involved in a NASCAR race. Disney already did a made-for-ABC remake a few years ago starring Bruce Campbell. No clue why they’re thinking about doing it again so soon other than Disney being all out of ideas. Personally, I’m more interested in the variation of this movie Miramax is developing but with the monster truck Bigfoot.
I lied. Make that 4 remakes! It’s now official; THE AMITYVILLE HORROR is getting remade. This isn’t new news since talk of this has been floating around for sometime now but Variety reports that Michael Bay’s production company, fresh from the box office bonanza of their TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake, are taking over production duties on this remake. Bay also told Variety that you can pretty much kiss and TCM sequels goodbye. "We've heard from the rights holders on 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' that they want what Hillary Clinton earned for writing her book. That simply isn't worth it to us." Wow, an actual moment of sanity from a Hollywood producer and its from Michael Bay of all people.
And now three words guaranteed to bring joy into the lives of Chris Holland and Scott Hamilton – CRUEL INTENTIONS 3! Filmjerk reports that a third installment of the franchise is in the works but don’t expect Kathryn or Sebastian to be back. No, this one will instead focus on another member of their wealthy and morally bankrupt family, Cassidy, who is currently a sophomore at college. Insert sex, violence, revenge, and humiliation here. Filming begins next month. Expect it to hit video shelves sometime next year. Expect HBO and Cinemax to run the hell out of it a few months after that.
Jim Carrey is THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN! No, really. In what’s rapidly becoming a tiresome trend, the popular 70’s action adventure series starring Lee Majors will become the latest old television series to be given the big screen treatment but in an overtly campy style. A big screen version of THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN has been in development for years most recently with now California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger attached to star in a more traditional action oriented version. If this summer’s campy big screen version of STARSKY & HUTCH fails to ignite the box office expect this Jim Carrey vehicle to suddenly find itself without a driver. Like I said, this trend is getting old real fast.
Imagine 8 MILE but with the hip-hop replaced with cans of spray paint. Actually, I’m sure the soundtrack will be full of hip-hop music but the actual musical wordsmith portion will be replaced by artistic vandalism. New Line Cinema is readying an urban drama called WILD STYLE that chronicles a young man’s journey in the world of graffiti artists in underground Los Angeles. Oh yeah, that’s gonna last in theaters all of a week. Show it on a double bill with HONEY, I say. You have seen the trailers for HONEY haven't you? If not, try to envision a J'Lo biopic starring Jessica Alba's torso.
Four weeks from starting production of the romantic comedy GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST, Disney has pulled the plug on the Ben Affleck project. The film was to star Affleck as a bachelor who goes to his younger brother's wedding where he is visited by the ghosts of his past girlfriend’s ala A CHRISTMAS CAROL. The Hollywood Reporter says that in addition to the film's skyrocketing budget, Affleck's tabloid exploits and a little movie called GIGLI also played a major role in the plug being pulled. But don’t weep for Affleck because he had a “pay or play” deal meaning he gets paid whether the movie gets made or not. Disney is hoping another studio will pick up the project as well as Affleck’s tab. Either way, Affleck’s still getting a lot more stripper tip money.
An update to something reported the other day; you can add Gary Coleman to the cast of the second season of the WB Network’s reality series The Surreal Life. Oh, if only he’d won the election.
The trailer for GODZILLA X MOTHRA X MECHAGODZILLA is now online. Frankly, it looks like more of the same old, same old. Personally, I’m all Mothra’d out.
This Saturday night on the Sci-Fi Channel is the premiere of THE BONE SNATCHER. The plot has to do with “a group miners who go on a search for a missing crew of miners in the African Desert. When the find them, they are nothing more than bones stripped clean and they could not have been dead for more than six hours and whatever did it is now stalking them.” Well, technically it isn’t really a “bone snatcher” then. Speaking of snatch, the movie stars Scott Bairstow, who is currently facing child rape charges for having sex in 1998 with a then-12-year-old relative of his wife. Hey, maybe he'll win an Oscar in 30 years like Roman Polanski did?
Finally today, this Sunday night at 9:15 pm on American Movie Classics is the television premiere of PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND. You know what this means? Yep, PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND is officially an AMERICAN MOVIE CLASSIC!
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 7:15 AM | Comments
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Joe's Links for 10-21-2003
By now you all know about our faithful reader Joe Littrell and the news tidbits that he forwards to us for your consideration. As of now I'm establishing a regular "Joe's Links" feature to showcase these links as he sends them in. So here's the first installment of Joe's Links!
Renegade takes on B-Movies in "Zombies"
Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake passes old saw on to new generation
The Ugly Truth About 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'
The Best Little Chophouse in Town - The allure of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Viaduct closing [for Resident Evil 2 shoot] not that evil, residents say
posted by Christopher 2:03 PM | Comments
The FoyWonder's Schlock Report for 10-21-2003
Schlocktoberfest 2003: Schlock & Awe is in the books and I’ve got some catching up to do so let’s get right to it!
In a shocking turn of events many never thought possible, CHUD reports author Steve Alten will actually get a movie made out of one of his novels. Really! And the biggest surprise is that it won’t be a movie version of MEG, something he has been trying to get made for what seems like forever now. No, the movie will be based on his upcoming novel entitled THE LOCH. Hmm…I wonder what that could be about? The production team behind THE MASK OF ZORRO has picked up the rights to the book. Let’s see if this one actually gets made or ends up in development hell like MEG did. More importantly, if the movie blows it will officially complete the trifecta of killer Nessie movies begun with THE LOCH NESS HORROR and BENEATH LOCH NESS.
An Australian newspaper called the Herald Sun has new details on the actual plot to the Marvel Comic’s MAN-THING movie. The plot centers on a greedy oil baron who builds oil wells in a sacred Indian swamp and awakens the mystical title monster, who is the soul and spirit of the swamp. A string of deaths follows as the monster seeks revenge on behalf of the marshland. The article dares to say that the MAN-THING movie will be in the frightening tradition of ALIEN and JAWS. Uh huh. However, there is still no definitive word on whether the movie is going to get a theatrical release or go direct to video. With a plot like that I’d guess direct to video but then HOUSE OF THE DEAD got a theatrical release so all bets are off.
After completing work on next summer’s THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, director Roland Emmerich and his new Dean Devlin, producer Mark Gordon, are looking to re-team to make TUT, action-adventure/love story about the young pharaoh Tutankhamen and his attempt to reclaim his throne and save his country after the death of his father. I wonder if we should expect a faster, sleeker, meaner Tut who can run at 200 mph? I don’t know about you but I’ve had my fill of Egyptian themed blockbusters.
January 2, 2004 is the official release date for TREMORS 4: THE LEGEND BEGINS, the Wild West prequel to the popular franchise. A new TREMORS movie and a new LEPRECHAUN movie all within a matter of days, aren’t we lucky?
Yes, Virginia, there will be a SKULLS 3. Woohoo! Clare “Glory from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” Kramer and Barry “Mayor from Spin City and Ace Hunter from MEGAFORCE” Bostwick will star. Maybe this time they’ll be inducting a female member? Who knows? Who cares?
According to something called Video Business; Konami is looking for film deals for its best-selling games “Castlevania”, “Contra”, “Metal Gear” and “Silent Scope.” Okay, a CASTLEVANIA and a METAL GEAR movie I can see but CONTRA would just be any given Golan-Globus action movie from the 80’s and SILENT SCOPE, aren’t there enough lame submarine thrillers polluting video store shelves as it is?
According to VanDammefan.net, Jean Claude’s latest film AFTER DEATH has been retitled WAKE OF DEATH as if it really makes any difference whatsoever. Considering the state of his career, Van Damme should stay away from any movie with “death,” “washed up,” “has been,” or “on life support” in the title. But that’s not all on the Van Damme front, according to Dark Horizons, he’s been ringing director Bryan Singer’s phone off the hook begging for a role in X-MEN 3. Sadly, Britney Spears has apparently been doing the exact same thing according to several sources. I guess there are just some days when it sucks to be Bryan Singer.
Dark Horizons is reporting that William Katt announced at the MC-Comic Con that Owen Wilson might be strapping on the suit of the hapless male teacher turned superhero for the big screen version of his popular 80’s television series THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO. The scary thing is that I can see Wilson in the part.
Ain't it Cool News head-honcho Harry Knowles has struck a deal with Revolution to produce a new comedy called GHOST TOWN, based on a pitch of his own. These truly are the end times!
Jessica Simpson was on Larry King Live and revealed she’s very much in the running for the lead in a big screen version of I DREAM OF JEANNIE. If the amount of intelligence she’s shown on her MTV show is any indication she’ll probably be shocked to learn they won’t actually shrink her down and put her in a bottle.
Entertainment Weekly reports that the USA Network is developing a sequel to John Hughes’ 1984 teen hit SIXTEEN CANDLES to be set sixteen years later. Seriously, does anyone really want to see that? Only way I’d watch it is if they bring back Anthony Michael Hall’s character as he is on The Dead Zone.
Apparently there are some heavy drug users over at Universal Studios as that is really the only possible explanation one could come up with to explain why they’ve bought the rights to remake NEIGHBORS, the horrendous John Belushi/Dan Aykroyd comedy about feuding neighbors. Ugh.
No surprise here, producer Michael Bay says a TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE prequel film may be in the works. Maybe they’ll call it TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE EPISODE ONE: THE FAMILY MENACE?
According to the IMDB, Drew Barrymore, despite being ticked off about Demi Moore overshadowing the Angels in the last one, is still keen to do a CHARLIE’S ANGELS 3. Someone needs to explain to her that the last one flopped for a reason.
Disney, whose Touchstone Pictures released the original DUECE BIGELOW, has opted to not release the sequel citing the raunchy material in the submitted script. Rob Schneider is planning an R-rated sequel to be DUECE BIGELOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO (formerly the much more clever ELECTRIC GIGOLO). Yay! More sex related gross out humor! We just don't get enough of that as it is! Maybe one day Rob Schneider will actually make a movie I want to see? Yeah, that'll be the day.
A bit more news about the upcoming MTV original movie MONSTER ISLAND has been revealed courtesy of the Hollywood Reporter. The movie, a satire of classic monster movies, will feature Carmen Electra as the celebrity host of a fictional MTV beach concert that goes awry when a giant creature crashes the party and flies away with her in its beak. The teen cast tries to rescue her with the help of a mad scientist, who will be played by Adam West, star of the 1960s TV series Batman. It just keeps sounding better and better. No really, I mean that.
The WB is bringing back the Surreal Life, it’s reality show about a bunch of has been celebs living under the same roof for about 2 weeks, for a second season and Variety has revealed it’s line-up of the damned. Living under one roof will be Baywatch babe Traci Bingham, Tammy Faye Messner (the former Tammy Faye Baker of televangelist scandal and crimes against mascara fame), “Mr. Washed Up” Vanilla Ice, porn icon Ron Jeremy, reality TV babe Trishelle Cannatella, and the legendary Erik Estrada. There will also be a rotating guest star each week. All I can say is, “Be afraid. Be very afraid!”
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 9:15 AM | Comments
Visit our news archive.
|
|
|
|
|
|
