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Friday, August 22, 2003
The FoyWonder's Schlock Report for 8-22-03
Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea…let’s go to press!
Today is actually a big day for bad movies as two guaranteed stinkers open in theaters – MARCI X and MY BOSS’S DAUGHTER. Neither film was pre-screened for critics and that’s always a bad sign. It may even be a bad movie trifecta because, aside from Roger Ebert’s three-star review, Jackie Chan’s latest flick THE MEDALLION is getting universally panned. Looks like the summer movie season may have officially ended last weekend with FREDDY VS. JASON and I wouldn’t be surprised to see it still on top of what will most likely be a pretty mediocre movie-going weekend.
Speaking of FREDDY VS JASON, Bruce Campbell claims all the talk of sequel with the two slashers battling Ash is just internet bunk; however, Creature Corner claims that while word of this may not have reached Campbell’s agent yet it is definitely still be talked about in the corridors of New Line Cinema. Also, the possibility of adding MICHAEL MYERS to the sequel may not be so after all as Dimension Films is considering riding the FREDDY VS JASON coattails with a HALLOWEEN/HELLRAISER crossover movie. Hmmm… Pinhead vs. Michael Myers just doesn’t sound all that exciting if you ask me. Maybe they can call it HELLOWEEN and fill the soundtrack with music by that awful 80’s metal band of the same name?
Empire Online asked Angelina Jolie about the prospects of a TOMB RAIDER 3 and here was her reply. "I don't know. They do take a lot of time away from home and I'm very happy with the second one, so I'm not sure I'll need to do another." I wasn’t aware the second one needed doing either. That answer sounds like a nice spin-doctored way of saying that the franchise is pretty much dead in the water what with the sequel tanking. Of course, the box office failure of the movie was all due to the new video game being lousy, right?
Despite reports earlier this year that the movie had already wrapped shooting and was planning a release before the end of the year, now comes word that MORTAL KOMBAT 3 will begin filming this November and original MORTAL KOMBAT stars Christopher Lambert, Linden Ashby, Talisa Soto, and Robin Shou will all return. First of all, it’s not like any of these people have been getting better offers lately. Secondly, and more importantly, does anyone even give a damn about MORTAL KOMBAT anymore?
More pro wrestlers are crossing over to the big screen. “Big Sexy” Kevin Nash has a role in THE PUNISHER and Hulk Hogan phoned in to the popular Bubba the Love Sponge radio show claiming he would also be in the movie as both would play (GASP!) professional wrestlers! And some site called The Average Joe claims that current WWE champion HHH is up for a role in BLADE 3. I say cast him as a vampire that only drains the blood of roided up bodybuilder types so that he can gain their strength.
History has been made in India as Bollywood’s first sci-fi film KOI MIL GAYA (Translated: FOUND SOMEONE) took in a rather impressive take of $3.2 million in its first week, according to Variety. A Bollywood science fiction movie? And it’s a musical too? I must see this! Here’s a link to the movie’s official website.
I can’t say for sure whether or not this movie will suck or not but just reading the premise made me roll my eyes in disbelief. The title is EMPEROR ZEHNDER and it will star Richard Gere. Here’s the premise according to Upcoming Movies and keep in mind it is based on a real person. “Set in Antarctica, this epic romance tells the story of Bruno P. Zehnder (Gere), a restless photographer of penguins who struggled with the pressures of expressing his art within the most strenuous of circumstances, along with a personal battle to keep Antarctica free and pure.” Oh, the guy also ended up dying during a blizzard while photographing penguins. Why do I get the feeling this movie is going to turn out unbearably pretentious? Production has been delayed a full year while they get the equipment needed to shoot the film and maybe so they round up several hundred penguins. Who knows?
Finally today, here’s your totally wacky off-the-wall unsubstantiated rumor of the week courtesy of Dark Horizons: Jennifer Garner as She-Ra in the possible MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE movie. I’ll buy that for a dollar. Also, I wonder if they meant Teela and not She-Ra because she definitely does not look like She-Ra.
- Scott Foy
posted by Scott 10:21 AM | Comments
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Piper, Estrada, & Shatner: Together At Last!
No, that headline is not some sort of sick, twisted joke. Pro wrestler-turned actor-turned pro wrestler-turned actor “Rowdy” Roddy Piper has a new action thriller in the works that will have former ChiPs pretty boy-turned Sealab 2021 voice actor Erik Estrada co-starring along side him. And Captain Kirk himself will once again be going from the captain’s chair to the director’s chair for this one too! Entitled CODE BLACK, the plot has to do with an ex-Navy SEAL embroiled in a terrorist conspiracy or something like that. It’s actually based on a novel of the same name. William Shatner, whose previous directorial efforts include the disastrous STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER, the resoundingly mediocre GROOM LAKE, and several episodes of such fine TV shows as Tek War, TJ Hooker, and Kung Fu: The Legend Continues, will apparently stay exclusively behind the camera for CODE BLACK as he is not listed amongst the film’s cast. I suppose a cameo appearance may be possible. I hope and pray that there is at least one scene where this mighty trio takes center stage together in some form because that would be a b-movie dream come true. No start date for filming of CODE BLACK has been set as of yet.
If that wasn’t enough oddball casting for you, IMDB lists another Roddy Piper movie in the works called CYBER MELTDOWN that has a cast to die for. In addition to “Hot Rod,” the movie’s cast also includes Linda “The Exorcist” Blair, George “Mr. Sulu” Takei, Jamie “Corporal Klinger” Farr, Dawn “Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island” Wells, and DR ZHIVAGO himself, Omar Sharif. All I can say is “WOW!” No clue what the actual plot is but its from the same writer as CODE BLACK. This one doesn’t even have a director yet and no start date so I would dare say there may even be a possibility it doesn’t happen but my fingers are definitely crossed.
- SCOTT FOY
posted by Scott 4:24 AM | Comments
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
The FoyWonder's Schlock Report for 8-19-2003
Note: I've decided to start calling my news updates the "The Foywonder's Schlock Report" because I've always calling them a "News Round-up" made me feel like I should be wearing a cowboy hat. Although, there are some occassions where it seems like I'm caught in a stampede of bad movies news. If any of you have a better suggestion for what I should call my news updates I'd love to hear it.
Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea…let’s go to press!
First and foremost, people who love seeing Steven Seagal pound people stupid have a reason to rush out to the video store today as his latest opus OUT FOR A KILL is now on video store shelves. In this one he plays an archaeologist forced into a confrontation with Chinese mobsters. Word is that the film is more unintentionally funny than most Seagal flicks.
Suffice it to say FREDDY VS. JASON was a box office bonanza this past weekend pulling in $36 million dollars so naturally the talk of a sequel is gaining momentum. In addition to the kooky idea floating around last week of having Jason and Freddy battle Ash of the EVIL DEAD movies, there is now also talk of tossing in Michael Myers. According to Entertainment Weekly, the proposed title is FRIDAY THE 13TH: A HALLOWEEN NIGHTMARE. Hey, how can Friday the 13th and October 31st be on…nevermind. It seems the HALLOWEEN people are keen on the idea and why not since it’s not like the HALLOWEEN franchise hasn’t been whored out enough as it is. Moustapha Akkad needs your money, people! It also remains to be seen whether or not the success of FREDDY VS. JASON starts a new trend in the horror genre. Personally, I’m holding out hope for LEPRECHAUN VS. WISHMASTER. Hey, you could have the Djinn grant somebody’s wish to own all the gold in the world (including the Leprechaun’s) and now the little Irish hellion has to go get it back. There’s your plot right there. Or how about HELLRAISER VS. CHILDREN OF THE CORN? Maybe I should just stop now?
Speaking of the Leprechaun, Bloody Disgusting reports that the DVD of LEPRECHAUN IN THE HOOD 2 is now set for a December 30th release. This should please quite a few of you. You know who you are.
One horror movie I’ve reported on quite a bit on this site the past few months is HOUSE OF THE DEAD. Despite word of mouth practically calling the movie an Ed Wood-level production the film is still getting a theatrical release. Well now we can all get a taste of the schlock to come as Fangoria is the exclusive host of the official HOUSE OF THE DEAD trailer and after seeing it I am even more adamant in wondering why the hell this thing is getting a theatrical release. Is there even a house in it? See the trailer to this monstrosity for yourself at Fangoria’s website.
Going back to the weekend box office for a moment, the teen skateboarding comedy GRIND tanked huge coming in at #12 and pulling in a FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY sized take of a little more than $2 million. Note to Hollywood: Never open crappy comedies about a popular sport on the same weekend its real life counterpart is holding its biggest event. Whoever thought opening GRIND on the same weekend as the X Games was a good idea should be fired. Why pay money to see a lame comedy about a sport when you can watch the real thing on TV for free. This would be like opening THE REPLACEMENTS on Superbowl weekend. Idiots!
Filmjerk has details on Tommy Lee Jones’ cheerleader action comedy (Yes, you heard me correctly!) called CHEER UP. “Mixing elements of “Miss Congeniality” with “Bring It On,” “Cheer Up,” follows a hard-edge Texas Ranger who must go undercover as an assistant cheerleading coach to protect five cheerleaders at the University of Texas at Austin. Each are potential witnesses to a murder case and those he is enlisted to protect drive him crazy and eventually teach him as much about life as he attempts to teach them. The film, which Jones also executive produces, has been bandied about as happening for more than a year.” I remember first writing about this one several months ago and hoped it was all just an awful dream. No such luck! This one is for real and begins filming in October. Tommy, what are you thinking?
Chris Rock has just signed on for a new comedy called SICK DAY. According to Moviehole, SICK DAY is “about man who phones in sick to skip work only to see his plans for the day go awry as he proceeds to get involved in numerous destructive misunderstandings with his neighbors, nearly scotching his affectionate wife's chances at a job promotion in the process.” Well, at least Chris Rock’s mediocre comedies aren’t as painful to sit through as Martin Laurence’s are.
Here’s a movie title for you – THE EROTIC MISADVENTURES OF THE INVISIBLE MAN. In it, an aspiring actor stumbles onto a formula for invisibility and basically it turns into HOLLOW MAN except it replaces the rape aspect with Cinemax After Dark-style erotica. This one arrives in video stores on November 18th and nobody should be surprised to know it comes courtesy of Roger Corman’s New Concorde.
Finally today, I have a new review up at Creature Corner for the new flick RODENTZ, which also comes out today and this review is a pretty detailed warning as why you should stay away from it. However, you may want to have a look if for no other reason to see the image of the movie’s giant rat I nabbed and to find out what this movie has in common with NIGHT OF THE LEPUS. You can read the review here.
-Scott Foy
posted by Scott 8:49 AM | Comments
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