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Tuesday, December 31, 2002
Good morning Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea . . . I’ve finally recovered from my Christmas week experiment in sleep deprivation to report the latest news so let’s go to press!
First off, here’s a quick head’s up on a movie debuting on the Sci-Fi Channel this Saturday night and as we all know, if it’s debuting on the Sci-Fi Channel then it’s gotta be good! This one is called DRAGON FIGHTER and the Sci-Fi Channel promises that it will feature “the most startlingly real depiction of these mythic beasts ever put on film.” Sure it will. DRAGON FIGHTER is actually a low rent REIGN OF FIRE knock-off starring Dean Cain (a mark of quality unto itself) from the people who have brought us such other fine films as PYTHONS 2, EPOCH, SHARK HUNTER, and INTERCEPTOR FORCE 2. Good or bad, I know I’ll be watching anyway. A more detailed plot synopsis can be found here.
In case you haven’t heard, Variety did a story a week or so ago about this company that is shopping around potential remakes of several cult films. Are you ready for another remake of PIRANHA? Hope it’s better than that made-for-Showtime one that starred William Katt. Does a remake of DEATHRACE 2000 peak you interest? Funny, I thought Paul (EVENT HORIZON/MORTAL KOMBAT/SOLDIER/RESIDENT EVIL) Anderson was supposed to make DEATHRACE 3000 with Tom Cruise? Well, that’s what he was telling people earlier this year. Maybe you’d prefer an updating of Larry Cohen’s mutant baby movie IT’S ALIVE? At least Cohen himself is supposedly going to helm this one himself. And to prove that there is a God in Heaven, a “reimagining” of the all-time cinematic masterpiece C.H.U.D. is in the works. WOOHOO!!!
Unfortunately, it seems the planned KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER feature film that was to to be directed by David (SEVEN/FIGHT CLUB) Fincher has been shelved by the fine folks at Disney for reasons uknown.
THE FAST & THE FURIOUS 2 has a new name. Upcoming Movies reports that the sequel to the sleeper hit about illegal street racing will now be called (and I dare say this may be the single worst movie title I’ve heard in ages) 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS. Let me repeat that – 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS. Yep, it sounds just as crappy the second time around. You can go see the movie with the worst title since BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER when it zooms into theaters June 6th.
Speaking of horrible sequel titles, word is that the official title for DIE HARD 4 will be, are you ready for this, DIE HARDEST. According to TV Week, an insider on the film says that Bruce Willis, who went on the record just last year that he was finished making action movies, isn’t all that thrilled about making the latest DIE HARD. Well, Mr. Willis, perhaps you shouldn’t have accepted the dump truck full of money the studio parked on your doorstep and agreed to make the picture! Hey, anything that stops Bruce Willis from making anymore movies like DISNEY’S THE KID is a good thing.
According to a rumor reported on IMDB, it may not be too much longer before we can go to the local multiplex and see the latest exploits of Ross and Rachel and the rest of the gang. Yep, FRIENDS: THE MOVIE is rumored to go into production as soon as the uber popular television series completes its run on NBC. Oh, the movie reportedly will be much raunchier than the show. Oh, really? Does that mean we’ll see Joey having sex with a pie?
Dark Horizons reports that STARSHIP TROOPERS 2 has been given the greenlight. Nothing much to report on it other than FX master-turned-first-time director Phil Tippett will be at the helm of the project. I hate to be pessimistic but FX artists, like movie stuntmen, rarely make good directors. Just go back and watch SPAWN and you’ll understand why.
E! Online reports that Sylvester Stallone is hard at work writing RAMBO 4, which will have gun crazy 80s superhero on the trail of Osama Bin Laden. Maybe Mr. Stallone should combine ROCKY 6 with RAMBO 4 and have Rocky Balboa box Bin Laden?
Speaking of Stallone, if you need any further indication of just how far down the Hollywood ladder he’s fallen just go to your local video store today and rent EYE SEE YOU. It’s essentially a slasher film starring Stallone that is apparently so bad it bypassed theaters and is going straight to home video. And it’s from the director of I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER too. You almost feel bad for Sly. Almost!
Also cluttering video store shelves is something called PSYCLOPS about a geek, a mad scientist, a machine that allows people to cross dimensions, and a 135-year old video tape. Uh huh. If that’s not enough, SLAUGHTER STUDIOS is about the crew of a low budget movie getting killed off one-by-one on a movie set.
Topping it all off is the release of the Jet Li-less BLACK MASK 2: CITY OF MASKS. Even though Jet Li has been replaced with an unknown lookalike newcomer, the movie also stars ex-porn queen turned struggling legitimate actress Traci Lords, the guy who played Sabertooth in the X-MEN movie, and WWE wrestler and High Times magazine cover boy Rob Van Dam. I was fortunate enough to get my hands on a copy of the movie a day early and I have got to say that it is one of the most hysterically, over-the-top, absolutely ludicrous movies I’ve ever seen! Imagine if someone combined MORTAL KOMBAT, HEROIC TRIO, and THE GUYVER. You got kung fu masters with super powers, pro wrestlers that transform into monsters, a female love interest with such a phobia of men that simply being touched by a man causes her to go into a stiff-bodied coma, and chase scene in which manimals driving a getaway car are chased through the streets by the title hero and a herd of elephants! There isn’t a single moment in this movie that makes any sense whatsoever but damned if I was entertained by every minute of it. This is the epitome of the "so bad it’s good" movie.
Finally, as busy and sleep deprived as I was last holiday week I still managed to work in a trip to the local Cinemark. Unfortunately, I picked a movie that is destined to go down in history as one of the absolute all-time worst. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Scott Foy and I paid to see PINNOCHIO! Imagine a family movie so bad that an entire family walked out just 10 minutes into it. Imagine a movie so agonizing that it almost brought yours truly to tears. What you call Hell, Roberto Benigni calls PINNOCHIO! You can read the review of my 90 minutes of cinematic torture that was this painfully unwatchable movie at Ain’t It Cool News right now. Moriarty is right. I do deserve a medal for sitting through this one.
More news, views, and skews to come. In the meantime, Happy New Year!
–Scott Foy
posted by Christopher 5:59 AM | Comments
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