Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. Fanboy and all the geeks at sea…let’s go to press!
What you call Hell, Fox calls WITH LOVE, FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY. That is the name of the “American Idol” feature film starring (DUH!) Kelly and Justin. Once again, the question must be asked, just because they can sing, does that mean they can act? More details about the films other non-game show contestant roles can be found on the net, but frankly I’d just prefer to never speak of this film again. Filming begins January 6th in Miami so there is apparently no stopping this abomination from becoming reality. Ironically, the film has already been Glitter 2: On The Line by some people. Can’t imagine why?
Did you like the 1996 big screen adaptation of THE PHANTOM? If so, you may not be happy to know that the character is returning to your local multiplex, but not before getting a major overhaul. “The Ghost Who Walks” will now become “The Ghost Who Does MATRIX-Style Kung Fu” because as we all know, EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH MATRIX-STYLE KUNG FU! This version will focus on a modern day incarnation of the character that slams evil and will pretend that the ’96 Billy Zane version never existed. Ten bucks says this sequel/remake never makes it out of development.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been waiting anxiously for another hackneyed sequel to THE WIZARD OF OZ. Entertainment Weekly reports that Drew Barrymore will star as Dorothy (Why not? She’s already played Cinderella.) in the forthcoming sequel SURRENDER DOROTHY. The Wicked Witch didn’t die from the water, but faked her death only to be arrested later. She escapes from the Oz Jail and tracks down Dorothy and Toto, who are now living in New York City, and sets out on a plan for ultimate revenge. Don’t look at me like that! This is the actual plot! And people thought RETURN TO OZ was bizarre?
So The Rock mentions in an interview that he’s a big fan of The Cartoon Network’s JOHNNY BRAVO. So what does Hollywood do? Why they buy the rights to make a big screen, live action film and try luring The Rock to star in it. Only in Hollyweird! Too bad he didn’t say we was a huge fan of Spongebob Squarepants because I’d pay to see that just for the sight of “The People’s Champ” under all the make-up and prosthetics that would be required.
Maybe they should call it “THE WET & THE WILD?” CHUD reports Renny (CUTTRHOAT ISLAND/DRIVEN) Harlin, in his never-ending quest to drive the final nail in the coffin of his film career, has signed on to direct FULL THROTTLE, which will essentially be THE FAST & THE FURIOUS with speedboats. The plot focuses on “an aspiring speedboat racer in Miami who is given a chance to pilot top-level boats by a wealthy benefactor. The racer soon realizes that he's made a deal with the devil and is actually working for a drug kingpin who forces the racer to become a drug runner.” Yawn. I think I’ll just go to the arcade and play Hydro Thunder for 90 minutes instead.
Simon (CON AIR/TOMB RAIDER) West is set to direct RPM, which according to a UK website, will be a thriller based around an underground car race that takes place in London, Monaco, Paris and Germany. So, uh, it’s just going to be “THE FAST & THE FURIOUS’ EUROPEAN VACATION?” Oh, wait, there’s also a heist involved somehow. Shooting begins in May. The film’s screenwriter clains RPM is going to be “the pre-eminent car movie!” Guess he’s never seen HERBIE GOES BANANAS?
For those that care, a March 2003 release date has been set for the video/DVD release of THE HITCHER 2. According to IMDB, this movie apparently directed itself because no directing credit is listed. Last I heard, Louis Morneau, who also made CARNOSAUR 2 and BATS, was directing. Maybe his exclusion from the IMDB credit means nothing or maybe it’s a surefire sign that the film is a true stinker with major behind-the-scenes problems. Kari Wuhrer co-stars. Suddenly, HELLRAISER: DEADER doesn’t seem like the worst career choice in the world.
Finally, there is yet another comic character headed to the small screen. Sci-Fi Wire is reporting that UPN has ordered a one-hour series based on the Marvel Comics character Night Thrasher. In the comic, Night Thrasher by day is Dwayne Taylor, a New Yorker whose parents were mysteriously killed when he was just 5 years old who now, as an adult, uses his excellent fighting skills and various battle suits and gadgets to fight evil when the sun goes down. But of course you can’t make a TV show or a movie based on a comic book, even one that is obscure or was short lived, and not make radical, unnecessary changes. For the UPN show, Dwayne Taylor will now be the 25-year-old multimillionaire owner of a hip-hop clothing line who also lends his superhero services to the CIA. Let me translate that for you. They’re going to combine XXX and that awful FOX superhero show from a few years ago called M.A.N.T.I.S. into one and make the hero’s true identity more along the lines of someone like P. Diddy. Something tells me that Night Thrasher’s high tech skateboard is going to get plenty of screen time.
And finally, I’ve been scarce with the updates lately because I’ve been busy working on a special October double feature for the NOWFF site. Well, part one is complete so it’s cheap plug time once again as you can now head over to NOWFF and check out my in-depth analysis of the first, and most likely, last disaster movie ever made about giant sinkholes threatening to destroy a major city. In fact, the city in question is New Orleans. Underground sinkholes threatening to destroy a city that is already below sea level? THE CORE is going to have a hard time topping this one! Enjoy.
–Scott Foy
